Musings on Self-Esteem and Good Cheer

I once heard a doctor who had done quite a number of gastric bypass or stomach stapling procedures make an interesting observation about his patients:  "Miserable people who don't like to change don't turn into happy people who make healthy changes just because they lose weight."  Or, in other words, those people who came to him after making genuine, concerted efforts to change their lifestyle but were unable to drop substantial weight for various physiological reasons and were simply unhappy about the effect the the extra weight had on their health were still happy (but much thinner and healthier) people after surgery.  Those who were unhappy people generally and were also overweight were often surprised and discouraged to discover that simply being thinner didn't make them a whole lot happier, and often regain a great deal of weight.

We see this same truth replayed in many movies and books and plays about a lack of money.  People who are unhappy and blame that unhappiness on poverty suddenly make it big and discover that, much to their surprise, they still aren't all that happy.  If you can't learn to be happy without money, chances are good that you won't ever have much of it.

The bigger point is that we are responsible for our own happiness, whatever our circumstances in life.  It is not your money (or lack thereof), or your pants size, or your fancy house (or lack thereof), or even the opinions (especially ill-informed or incorrect ones) of those around you that make you happy or unhappy, unless you let those things control you.  It is, in fact, a terrible error to allow our circumstances to dictate our disposition.  The Lord commands--not suggests, not implies, but clearly and directly compels--"be of good cheer".  There are many reasons for that, not the least of which is that to do so makes the trials and privations of mortal life more bearable not only for ourselves, butfor those around us, as well.

I have had times where I have felt as though I have been so relentlessly criticized for so long that I begin to feel like I can't seem to ever get anything right, that those doing the criticizing don't understand how hard I'm trying, or how much it hurts to hear over and over.  When I feel that way, I find that I usually have two options:  I can sit and stew about, get angry, cry, feel sorry for myself, which turns into a ball of bitterness that is difficult to shake; or I can find a quiet spot to engage in honest, heartfelt prayer.  When I get on my knees, I have someone listening who will let me cry it all out without contradicting me or correcting me or being irritated at my neediness.  I can engage all of that emotion openly, and then the Spirit can nudge me into the more productive part of my prayer:  sorting out those parts of the criticism that may be correct and justified, no matter how those criticisms were delivered, and tossing the rest of it out of my mind and out of my heart.  If I do that with a genuine willingness to change my own behavior, to truly improve myself, He will help me to change the parts of me that do need changing, while bringing peace and comfort to my heart.  He binds up my little broken heart so that I can be proactive rather than bitter, forgiving rather than damned in my progress by my own self-pity.

I cannot change anyone else.  But if I am going to influence their behavior toward me, I have found that the most effective way to do so is to be flexible, to ask questions rather than try to explain, to be outwardly focused, to be of good cheer.  When I succeed in behaving that way, in making progress by making healthy changes, I often find in retrospect that there was never need for much of the hurt anyway.  I often discover that things I thought were accusations were merely questions; actions I saw as thoughtless were merely part of trying to serve a picture much bigger than simply my little wants; criticisms that I thought were borne out of unkindness were actually meant to be constructive--a desperate attempt to get through my thick head how I was making myself miserable.

As much as it may be tempting to push off on them sometimes, beyond a few years into young adulthood, our parents are not responsible for our self-esteem.  Our children are not responsible for our self-esteem (a fact that will probably turn into a mantra for me sometime in the next 10 years, I imagine), and even as important and precious as our relationships with them are, our spouses are not responsible for our self-esteem.  When we focus on the things that we don't like in our lives, the ways things didn't go the way we wanted them to, and the blessings we don't have, we often fail to realize how much it effects our attitude and behavior, and how much the resulting behavior can hurt, anger and frustrate those who care about us.  We can easily become so bitter about the blessings we lack and the trials we have that we end up pushing our greatest blessings out of our lives, and we don't see it happening because our own feelings and our own actions always seem to make perfect sense to us, they seem perfectly justifiable to us, and so we start focusing on ourselves and how and why we are misunderstood, instead of focusing on understanding those around us, and why they may feel the way they do, or perceive things the way they do.  We lose our sense of good cheer and start turning into tired malcontents who cannot be pleased because, in truth, we're looking for the wrong things.

The good news is that we have the power at any point to stop that cycle.  At any moment, we can go to our knees and tell the Lord how we're feeling, and then sincerely, humbly ask, "Lord, what would thou have me do?"  I know from many of my own experiences that if we ask, and really mean it, he will help us mend what's broken in ourselves, and strengthen what's not.  He will help us to see the best in those around us, despite their flaws or occasional failings in the way they behave toward us.  He will help us to recognize the ways that they show their love for us, and focus on those things.  He will open our eyes to the bounty of blessings with which we are surrounded.

Making those changes, accepting criticisms that are hard to hear, is tremendously challenging.  Being grateful and looking on the bright side in spite of our tribulations is not easy--it is one of the biggest challenges of mortality.  But as Nephi said, the Lord gives no commandments to his children without preparing a way for them to accomplish the things that he has commanded.  We are able to be of good cheer because he has overcome the world and we "encircled eternally in the arms of his love".  He anxiously looks for more opportunities to help shoulder our burdens.  As we develop a personal relationship with the Savior and genuinely and consistently work steadily with him to smooth and polish our rough edges, the criticisms don't have the sting they once did.  They still hurt, and sometimes when they contain too much truth they can cut pretty deep.  But if the Savior knows you are humbly doing the work to strengthen that weakness, you will be at peace with him, and so the hurt won't last.

Each of us is responsible for our own life and for the person that we are.  While I'm sure the Savior understands better than anyone the effects that others have upon us, when it come right to that last moment as we stand before our Savior to be judged, we can't be faced with our weaknesses and sins we haven't repented of and start saying, "Well, I know that's not OK, but it really HIS fault."  This isn't a police interrogation where you can get less time for rolling on the other guy--you own your life.  You.  We can have little shadows of that moment in prayer where we get an honest look at our standing with the Lord, and we can say, "Well, my dad picked on me, so its his fault I'm this way", or we can say, "Whatever brought me to this point, Lord, this is where I am.  How do I move forward? What would thou have me do?"  Until we can honestly say that, with a heart willing to do the work necessary to make those changes, both good cheer and self-esteem will elude us.  Because when it comes right down to it, both self-esteem and the positivity that accompanies it come from hard earned personal progress and an abiding faith in the power of the Atonement. Without that, no amount of validation from the world or anyone in it will ever make us happy.

To My Children

A couple of months ago I was in a meeting where we were given a piece of paper and a pen and told to imagine that we knew we only had 3 minutes left, to imagine to whom we would write and what we would say.

It was easy for me. I immediately knew who I wanted to write to and what I wanted to tell them.  I remembered a time many years ago when a loved one went very off course and, very contrary to my normal behavior, I offered my two cents--unsolicited.  I kept it very brief and to the point, but I told her that the only reason I said anything at all was because I was a mother.  She chose a very different course than the one her mother, who died when this girl was very young, had chosen.  I thought of some of the more difficult choices I have made over the years to ensure that my kids had certain things in their life that had lacked in my own.  I thought of all of the choices I have made to try to give my children the best possible chance of having genuine joy.  I imagined what it would be like to watch from the other side, unable to shake some sense into that child and say, passionately, "This isn't what I wanted for you!"  As a mother, I couldn't not say something.

As we went about this task in class, I remembered that experience, and realized that I don't want there to be any question in my children's minds what is important to me and what I want for them, so I thought I would share here what I wrote with my three minutes.

Love each other:  muster every bit of kindness, forgiveness, patience and thoughtfulness that you can for each other.  Other people will come into your lives, but you will continue to need each other, and to understand each other, in a way that few other people ever will.  Listen to your dad.  He wants the best for you and loves you more than you can possibly understand right now.  Nothing is more important to him than you:  he dotes on you, and he will need your hugs now more than ever.  Go to church with him every week, and pay close attention to what is taught in primary, and Young Women and Priesthood.  Pay attention to what your daddy says--he is knowledgeable and insightful and will be a wonderful guide for you.  Get ready for baptism, and never take your eyes off the temple as your goal.  Do all that you can to be worthy of temple blessings.  Nothing--nothing, nothing, nothing--will ever bring you as much joy as the forever family you form in the temple, so long as you continue to selflessly serve that family.  So be picky--be careful in your choices of those whom you date, and then trust the Spirit in guiding you in choosing a companion.  The Lord knows what he's doing.  So please, please, pray often and read your scriptures so that you can get to know him, so that you will know and recognize his voice.  He loves you, even more than I do.  He lives and will take your hand and guide you home.  Learn as much as you can, about as many things as you can and think hard and seriously about the decisions that you make, but when it comes right down to it, trust in God, not your own understanding.  I love you so, so much.

Kind Strangers

Had a moment today that reminded me of a nice girl at McDermont a year and a half ago.  I was 8 months pregnant with Keira--in other words, very slow and nothing even remotely close to agile--and hanging out near the end of building A while Keilana, Dylan and Kylie played in the bounce houses.  Kylie was just over two, but she loved the bounce houses and played pretty independently in them.

She was in one by herself (and these bounce houses are 3 and 4 times bigger than the ones you usually see at birthday parties) when suddenly the fans blew out and it immediately started to collapse.  Kylie shrieked, and a teenage girl who had been playing basketball about 15 feet away turned and, without hesitation, dove into the quickly-diminishing entry into the bounce house and snaked her way to the opposite side, grabbed Kylie and piggy-backed her out, crawling.

Those things are big and deceptively heavy and she was a young toddler who could've easily suffocated or passed out before I could've got to her in my condition, or if a few more seconds had gone by before I could get someone else's attention and they had to struggle to get through the entrance.   But other than being a little freaked out, she was fine.  By then end of the hour, she was playing in the bounce houses again (securely next to her big sister).

That experience stuck in my mind because in that moment I was so painfully aware of my helplessness, but the fact is that there are kind people around all the time that do thoughtful and helpful things for me or my family without ever being asked.

When a random evil act occurs, especially in this age, where there is immediate and constant media coverage, its easy to feel like the whole world is going to hell.  Its easy to feel like there are suspects everywhere.  But for all its heartache and evil and senseless, there are still many, many good people in the world, quietly and persistently doing good to and for others.  Many more good people than bad still, I'd be willing to wager.  Don't focus on the bad you cannot control.  Focus on the good you can do.

". . .let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism."
~Max Ehrmann

Summer check-in

Sorry we haven't been updating much here.

Its just that there have been plays to perform:

And swimming to do:

And watermelon to eat:

And yard work to help with:

And horses to visit:

And cousins to hang out with:

And parades to attend:

And Indian tacos to eat:

Summer is just so doggone busy!

Life

its so exciting!

On personality

Kylie, standing on a chair, ordering Keira to do this and Dylan to do that, then announces, loudly, with unholy confidence and more than a little big-girl swagger, "I am large and in charge!" Its nice that all my kids have such a clear sense of themselves. I guess.

She's 8 today. . .

And it been a pretty good birthday so far.  On Friday, we (and by "we", I mostly mean the amazing Gwen--I did very little, in truth) threw a combined birthday party for Keilana and Paisley (who turned six).  We did a tea party, so there was a tea cup for each girl (thank you, local thrift stores!), pink lemonade, lots of pastel decorations, and some face painting and games.  She was in heaven.  It was great fun to see all the little girls in fancy dresses drinking out of their tea cups with their dramatically painted faces (no simple butterfly-on-the-cheek girls in this crew;  more of a my-whole-face-is-a-giant-butterfly gang).

We left for Anaconda late Saturday morning (or perhaps early afternoon? we weren't moving very quickly) and took the long way over.  And I do mean long.  It took us about three times as long as just driving the interstate, but we saw a whole lot of pretty country.  We kept trying to outrun the rain, but never quite managed to, until we got to Anaconda and then it was sunny and gorgeous, a perfect summer evening.  The family that Doug is renting from has five children, whose younger three line up with our older three. They got invited down to watch a movie and play, and that delighted them--an hour into seeing their new town they already had friends.

We had intended to go to the ward for the first time this week and introduce ourselves and hopefully meet a few people, but it turns out that they had Stake Conference this weekend.  Stake conference in an unfamiliar stake with four young children sounded, well, kind of awful actually, so on a whim we drove down to Rexburg to visit Rachel.  It was a the right decision.  We saw her apartment and met a few roommates, and then we went up to Idaho Falls and had a picnic and went for a walk around the falls and the river.  The kids loved the sunshine and the water and the temple, but mostly they loved getting to see auntie Rachel, and realizing just how close she'll be when we move (including a 10-15 minute potty stop in Dillon, it took us 3 hours and 4 minutes to get to her apartment from the house we're staying at in Anaconda).  It was really good to see her.  We all need us a little Rachel now and then (pictures to come, btw)

Today has been a full yet somehow lazy day.  We going sort of slow this morning (by which I mean everyone slept in til nearly 7:30!) and once we all got ourselves put together we headed to Washoe Park, which the kids and I have decided may be our new favorite place.  It's huge, with so many lush, leafy green trees, two large playgrounds, a duck pond, a community pool, a creek with paths and bridges running through the whole thing, and a fish hatchery off at one end.  We were there for a couple of hours and probably wouldn't have left except that everyone was starving.  After having some lunch (and taking some lunch to Doug) we headed out again, this time to the Super Slide!  Its just a big outdoor slide built into one of the hills in town, and when you sit on a wool blanket, you go really, really fast.  Other than climbing the stairs over and over, it was delightful and the kids already want to go back.  We found an old train car to climb on (always love hearing Dylan call out from the front of a train car, "I'm your friendly neighborhood conductor! All aboard!"  Seriously.  Totally melts me every time).  We found another awesome park, this one with a swinging bench, a human-child-size hamster wheel, and a fantastic view of the Smoke Stack.  We explored up some of the hills at the south end of town, where Keilana declared, "This is where I want to live, because it has room for horses."

To cap it all off, she got to have a hamburger and milkshake from one of the best milkshake joints in Butte.

We're gonna like it here.  We can tell.