So, if it doesn't come through, we're headed to Montana. In many ways, headed home, at least for me. As we've talked about leaving and tried to help the kids understand what that means, it finally really sank in for me that this is very much home for my children. Keilana is the only one who has spent any time anywhere else, and at an age where she was far too young to remember. Lindsay is the only home they've known. And its been a good home for them. Keilana has wonderful friends, including two other little redheads she pals around with, Dylan will miss Grant and Lulu terribly, and I will miss seeing Kylie light up when she knows she's getting a chance to see Ava and Ronnie. My 2-year-old has real friends, for Pete's sake.
Lindsay has been good to Doug and I, too. We stayed up til almost four last night talking about everything we need to get done in the next three weeks (we're leaving November 1st), and everything we're leaving behind. Doug and I both feel like we struggle to make friends, for various reasons, or at least to feel close to people, and we have such a solid, wonderful group of loving, understanding, supportive friends here. People we trust, are at ease with, and enjoy being around. People who we feel will miss us as much as we'll miss them. That makes me terribly sad--there are so many people we hate to leave.
But I'm also tired. Our experience in Lindsay has been fun and exciting and enriching, but its also been exhausting and trying and overwhelming. I'm ready to start fresh. I'm tired of being cumbered, at times, by other people's baggage, or having my reputation tarnished by the foolish decisions of others. I'm tired of living right in the middle of everything, surrounded by people and pavement. I'm tired of all that nonsense, and maybe being broke and turning to my parents for help for a while is the Lord's way of providing that fresh start for us, challenging as it will be. Maybe things here didn't go the way we'd hoped in the end, but I will not regret having come here and been a part of all this--I will certainly never regret knowing and spending time with the people its brought into our lives. I will always be tremendously grateful for the opportunity to be a little piece of some amazing things, and for all the people that have shaped us during our time here. And I still have hope that, though our part in this story is over for now, it will still work out for the best in the long run--that all things we've worked for, invested in, will not be in vain. There is still time for things to go right.
In the mean time, I'm trying not to focus on being completely broke, with no solid job prospects of any kind, living in two bedrooms with four kids and all the packing and cleaning and selling and organizing we have to do in the next few weeks. I'm focusing on family Christmas tree trips to the Stump Ranch and a snowy Christmas and so many cousins to play with and spending a lot of time with my grandma and my sisters and everybody else--all 30 of them:) I'm looking forward to helping my children know a little better a place that was such a magical part of my childhood. Wish us luck.