Slacker, slacker

So, I never got up any photos/writing about Keira's birthday.  Or Dylan's.  Or spring break.  And now I'm back in school, and should probably be doing statistics homework instead of this.  Truth is, I never even got photos imported into the computer, much less uploaded here.  Maybe I'll get to all of it around Keilana's birthday.

Its been a long few months.  Lots of extended family in and out of the hospital, lots of heartbreak for others, a couple of unexpected losses, and lots of schoolwork for me, schoolwork for kids, wrestling practices, skiing trips, church activities, slightly oppressive weather, instrument practice, chores, errands, meetings, projects and deadlines.  I'll admit, there's been more than one occasion where I was tempted to quit everything and be homeschooling subsistence farmers.  It sounds sort of awesome, actually.  And we aren't even to the hard part yet--there's nary a teenager to be found around here.  But its been pretty tiring nonetheless.

I am ready for sunshine.  The kids are definitely ready for sunshine.  I'm ready for homework to end and to stop commuting four days a week.  All things considered, the semester (and the year) have gone pretty smoothly.  But I have five weeks left--I just have to focus for five more weeks--and the classes will be done, nursing school application will be finished, the sun will (most likely) be shining and the snow all gone, I'll get a new tire for my stroller and I'll find my camera again, and my journal, and my blog.  Multiple weeks have gone by where I haven't written anything other than lab reports and probability statements.  Whole months have gone by where I never even took my camera out of its bag.  I used to spend so much time documenting my kids and just being outside with them.  But they have school, and I have school, and everything is busy and we're cooped up in this house too often and, even though I have prayed and prayed and always felt at peace with our decisions right now, sometimes I feel like I can literally watch my time with them slipping away, without even documenting it to help me remember when its gone.  My baby is 3, and my oldest is skiing and playing violin and starting to think of her bike like a car ("Hey, if mom would let me, I could get anywhere on this thing!").  I love watching them grow up and I certainly wouldn't have them stop or slow down.  But I do sometimes wish that I could slow down and soak it up a little more.

Five more weeks.  And then 3 1/2 glorious months where the only things on my plate are a massive family reunion (but really, for as many people as we have involved, its pretty low-key), and being a mom.  I wish we had more time/money to go visiting family this summer, but I'm afraid we have a few things coming up that are going to sap a good chunk of our summer budget, so we'll see.  Maybe next summer we can see California again, but hopefully we'll at least cross paths with some of them at baptisms in other places.

Five more weeks.  Then I promise--really, truly--to be here more often.

2 steps forward. . .

Lately, something about myself has really been annoying me, but I haven't had the energy or focus to figure out what exactly it was.  Yesterday, it finally dawned on me.

The regular teacher was sick yesterday, so I had to teach Relief Society for the second time this month.  After the lesson I thought to myself, "Geez, it seems like I talked about myself a lot during that lesson".  I ended up feeling the same way after the last lesson.  I didn't have as much time to prepare as I like for either lesson, and that's always a tendency I have under those circumstances (not as much prep=more nerves=more self-consciousness=thinking/talking about myself).  Don't get me wrong, its not that I spent the whole lesson talking about me or that anything that I said was inappropriate or irrelevant, but I usually make it a point not to focus much on my own experiences during lessons or talks, instead trying to draw primarily from the scriptures/manual and other peoples' experiences.  I was also more emotional during both lessons than is generally my habit, too.

And then I realized what's been bugging me:  I've been talking way too much.  Talking about me, talking over people.  Not necessarily actually sharing more, just talking more.  Its a habit I've had since I was a child, when I first realized that people were sometimes offended or bewildered by my quiet, I would overcompensate by overtaking because I didn't want them to think I was unfriendly.  Filling up all the air with noise also provides a way to not think--I think best by writing, or by simply being completely silent while my hands/body are accomplishing menial tasks that don't require much conscious focus.  Talking jumbles my thoughts, rather than ordering them.

Its been a busy semester.  I have anatomy and physiology, chemistry, and statistics (none of those is exactly a "blow-off class", to say the least), as well as an introductory nursing class.  On top of that, there have been several big emotional blows the last few months, things I didn't want to be real, and talking too much about all kinds of things don't actually matter keep my mind distracted so that I don't have to deal with it.

The good news is, now I've figured out what the problem is, I shouldn't have too much trouble addressing it.  It should've been obvious, but I'm afraid I've been running on low a bit.

Its been pretty busy the last few months, but I'm on spring break this week, so I'll try to get some updates posted.  I missed Dylan's birthday, and today Keira Belle turns 3!!  I probably sound a little gloomy this morning, but we've actually had a pretty good couple months at our house (other than being snowed in a few times, which admittedly would've been much more fun if we had a real yard or lived closer to a good sledding hill).  I'll find time for some fun stuff this week.

There have been moments (days?) when I have wondered WHY I love my husband.  But I've never had a moment where I wondered IF I love my husband.

I'm grateful that I love him and he loves me, and even if we've had moments, days, or even weeks where we made each other crazy or failed to handle our stress graciously, neither of us has ever honestly believed we'd be better off without each other.  We always come back to feeling grateful for each other--glad to have someone who believes in us in our corner, putting up with our flaws and our crazy.

I'm not sure why we've been blessed this way, but I'm grateful that we have.  And I pray for those who are not so lucky. <3>