Monday, March 17, 2014

2 steps forward. . .

Lately, something about myself has really been annoying me, but I haven't had the energy or focus to figure out what exactly it was.  Yesterday, it finally dawned on me.

The regular teacher was sick yesterday, so I had to teach Relief Society for the second time this month.  After the lesson I thought to myself, "Geez, it seems like I talked about myself a lot during that lesson".  I ended up feeling the same way after the last lesson.  I didn't have as much time to prepare as I like for either lesson, and that's always a tendency I have under those circumstances (not as much prep=more nerves=more self-consciousness=thinking/talking about myself).  Don't get me wrong, its not that I spent the whole lesson talking about me or that anything that I said was inappropriate or irrelevant, but I usually make it a point not to focus much on my own experiences during lessons or talks, instead trying to draw primarily from the scriptures/manual and other peoples' experiences.  I was also more emotional during both lessons than is generally my habit, too.

And then I realized what's been bugging me:  I've been talking way too much.  Talking about me, talking over people.  Not necessarily actually sharing more, just talking more.  Its a habit I've had since I was a child, when I first realized that people were sometimes offended or bewildered by my quiet, I would overcompensate by overtaking because I didn't want them to think I was unfriendly.  Filling up all the air with noise also provides a way to not think--I think best by writing, or by simply being completely silent while my hands/body are accomplishing menial tasks that don't require much conscious focus.  Talking jumbles my thoughts, rather than ordering them.

Its been a busy semester.  I have anatomy and physiology, chemistry, and statistics (none of those is exactly a "blow-off class", to say the least), as well as an introductory nursing class.  On top of that, there have been several big emotional blows the last few months, things I didn't want to be real, and talking too much about all kinds of things don't actually matter keep my mind distracted so that I don't have to deal with it.

The good news is, now I've figured out what the problem is, I shouldn't have too much trouble addressing it.  It should've been obvious, but I'm afraid I've been running on low a bit.

Its been pretty busy the last few months, but I'm on spring break this week, so I'll try to get some updates posted.  I missed Dylan's birthday, and today Keira Belle turns 3!!  I probably sound a little gloomy this morning, but we've actually had a pretty good couple months at our house (other than being snowed in a few times, which admittedly would've been much more fun if we had a real yard or lived closer to a good sledding hill).  I'll find time for some fun stuff this week.

1 comment:

Kaytee Postma said...

I never feel like you talk about yourself too much! I love your stories!