Mixed Emotions

Yesterday was such an odd day in some ways.  At about 9 in the morning, one of my friends called and asked if Keilana and I would like to come play, which was a definite yes.  It was nice and sunny out and they have a great big backyard, so we had my two kids, her two kids who are still at home (ages 4 & 1) and another friend's youngest two who she was babysitting (ages 3 & 1) all running around the backyard with the two dogs, having a blast.  Dylan, Grant and Lulu--the youngest three--mostly amused themselves by throwing dirt.  They also enjoyed the various ride-on toys scattered about the lawn and deck.  The older three spent most of their time on the grass or the trampoline just enjoying the sunshine.  It was a glorious, spring-y day--about 65 degrees and sunny.  The kids were all so excited to be outside, as winter seems to be long gone around here. I hadn't sat and had a real, grown up conversation with anyone but Doug is some time, so it was a lot of fun for me, too. I LOVE to be outside, so it was a real treat to just be out in the spring sunshine.

It wasn't all wonderful, though.  Yesterday was also what would've been Conner's second birthday, so I was a bit melancholy all day.  Dylan turns two on Monday, and we haven't planned a birthday party or even bought any presents yet.  I seemed to be having a hard time getting around to it.  I think the truth is that, though not entirely consciously, I've been avoiding it.  It just doesn't quite seem right to be planning a birthday just for Dylan--it feels incomplete.  So it'll probably be another week before we get around to doing cake and ice cream for him, which is fine since he won't know the difference.  No matter how good the day got, I couldn't ever quite get it out of my mind.  And I hope that for my son's sake I can eventually get to a point where I can celebrate his birthday without grief.

On the drive home from Angie's, I had a pretty light-hearted moment.  The windows were down with the wind blowing through the car, the sun was shining and I had Tom Petty blaring through the stereo.  Whenever that set of circumstances comes together, I'm suddenly in my old car driving too fast down Hillside road with a cloud of dust behind me; or in the back of a convertible on Kam Highway with my feet hanging over the side, watching the sun pass through the palm trees.  And life is good.

This time it wasn't a dirt road in Montana or a two lane highway on the north shore of Oahu--it was the driver's seat in a Honda Accord with two kids in the backseat.  The feeling was the same, though;  heartaches and all, life is still good.  As a matter of fact, its better than ever.

The Valentine's Post

A couple weeks ago, Doug and I went to a great party at a friend's house.  It was just couples--no children--and all people we really like, so it was a lot of fun.  The hostess had prepared several games, all with a Valentines-y theme.  I won for who had done the sweetest thing for their spouses' parents, thank you very much.  (For Christmas, I went through all Doug's missionary journals and found any place he'd said anything nice about his Mom and then typed them up and gave them to her.)  The evening capper was a round of the "Knewly"wed game.  The men sat on one side of the room, the women on the other, and we each had to  fill out a sheet that had questions about ourselves and our spouses and then got points based on how many answers matched our spouse's answers.

Doug and I got second (by a mere five points!) to Scot and Carolyn, who have been married for 20 years.  Not that we were all that far ahead of everyone else--it was a room full of great people and mostly very happy, rock solid marriages.  But it was kinda fun to almost win, especially since everyone else there has been married longer than we have.

We really do have an uncommonly good marriage, which I didn't entirely realize until I started spending nearly all of my time with people 10 to 15 years older than me, who have good marriages and have been married a lot longer than we have.  That game is evidence of one of the primary reasons our relationship is so good and strong--communication.  We don't really have those typical male/female communication break downs.  We talk about nearly everything, there is hardly anything that ever goes unsaid between us about what's going on in our lives or thoughts, and we understand each other well most of the time.

I was talking to an old friend from college recently, who once upon a time had a crush on Doug herself, and she said that we were the perfect personality combination, based on Myers-Briggs personality typing. I laughed and told her I like to think of it as being broken in the same way.  That probably sounds ridiculous to most people, since our flaws manifest very, very differently, but when we met each other we lacked a lot of the same things, had some of the same hurts.  Because of that, we were able to see through each other in a way that most of the people around us could not and because of that understanding of the things that were the most personal and complex (and painful), it has been much easier to understand the smaller, simpler things. 

 

I think the other thing that makes a huge difference is that we're both pretty self aware and have good senses of humor about ourselves and each other.  When the other is impatient or upset with us, we usually understand why and can fix it relatively quickly.  We can joke with each other about our own faults and each other's faults.  When either one of us is wrong, we're quite willing to admit it.  We observed the relationships around us as we were growing up, saw what worked and what didn't and have applied the lessons to our own relationship.  

Now granted, there are definitely moments where one of us would like to strangle the other, but those are far fewer and farther between than the laughs and good conversation.  I am lucky to have married a man who is intelligent, talented, gentle, thoughtful and who more or less understands (as much as any male can) how women think and function.  He understands my weaknesses and recognizes my strengths.  A few weeks ago, a friend of ours said to Doug, "You have an amazing wife".  He was genuine in responding by simply smiling and saying, "I know."  I know that he believes that, even if some days I think its just because he's a little loopy.  And I think he's an incredible husband, even if some days he thinks it just because I have Stockholm syndrome.  We're both a bit weird and a little goofy and very dorky, and so we delight in each other.  We are truly each other's closest friend.

A day at the park

After several weeks of being holed up in side due to fog, rain, colds and such, last week things cleared up and got warm and sunny enough to get back to our routine of mostly daily trips to the park, and the kids were excited to be outside again.  Just a few pictures.  I took them with my phone, so forgive the quality on some of them.

A Window

Its past midnight now, but I'm having trouble getting to sleep tonight.  My mind is racing and I can't get it to slow down.  It doesn't happen very often any more, but it used to happen in high school a lot.

Last week was a hard week.  I found out that what I thought was a moderate but easily fixable problem with a friend is in fact a deep, twisted, tragic problem that my take a long, long time to fix.  That was a big blow.  Then the irritating presidential race got me all bogged down, as its become a mess I find more and more disheartening all the time.  Then one of my oldest friends shared some discouraging news with us and my heart broke her.  It was one of those weeks where I just felt like I kinda wanted to hibernate for a while.

But then several things happened.  The bad news was a blessing in a least one way--it snowballed into a conversation between my four oldest friends and I that has been more complete and open than we have talked with each other in probably years.  That conversation just brightened my life again.  Then today at Church, Carolyn, one of the women I love and respect most in my life, gave a beautiful talk about love.  It was everything I needed to hear and it lifted me up hugely.

Tonight was a great blessing, also.  An old friend from school, someone I'd always wished I'd gotten to know a bit better, popped up on instant messenger.  It was a delight to talk to her.  She said a few things that caught my attention.   "You were so quiet and mysterious in college, with nobody really getting through except Doug."  I was so glad she said that--it reminded me how very, very blessed I am in the primary relationship in my life.  That makes such a huge difference in EVERYTHING.  I'd almost forgotten how much I liked her until we started chatting and it really buoyed my mood to speak with her.  There's a chance we may be able to see her and meet her boyfriend this fall, which I would love.  She lives in Beijing right now, so that makes a meet and greet quite tricky!

And lastly, but certainly not least, when I hopped on to write, my favorite cousin was online.  I haven't talked to him in forever and haven't seen him since his wedding almost a year ago.  We talked about our families and whatnot.  And I thought about what it meant to me to be at his wedding.  Doug knew without me saying it that not making it to his wedding was not option, so he made it work.  I was glad that I was there, as I ended up being the only member of his family in the temple.  When I was getting ready to go to the temple myself for the first time and getting ready to get married, sometimes I would think about the fact that none of my family would be there, and I would start to get really bogged down--I would feel very sad and lonely.  But then I would think of Brandon, out in the mission field--an entire ocean and continent away from home knocking on doors, talking to strangers, living in tiny little apartments--and the loneliness would dissipate.  I would think to myself, Brandon's doing it, and somehow that always made everything ok.  I had to be in the temple that day to say thank you, because in a different way he had been there for me.  He's been such a wonderful friend to me.

Every time I have lacked something in my life, someone has come into to fill the gap.  The Lord has blessed me with such wonderful people in my life always, and all I really needed was a reminder of that.  I feel a bit undeserving of such wonderful friends and such wonderful experiences at times, but I am tremendously grateful for them.  I'm grateful for that window that lets in a little light even on the dark days.

Tag! You're it!

Sam tagged me (in her oh-so-official way), so here it is.

How long have you been together? We've been friends since October of 2002.  Started dating early December 2002.

How long did you date?  Officially, only like a month before we got engaged.  We decided to get married in January of 2003.  Then Doug actually proposed in March of 2003.  We got married that July.

How old is he? 31

Who eats more? Definitely Doug.

Who said "I love you" first? He did actually.  I'm far too much of a fraidy cat to go first.

Who sings better?  I'm gonna have to go with Doug on this one.

Who is smarter?  Coincidentally, we both know our IQ's and so technically Doug.  But it doesn't matter, 'cause people like me better. lol.  Doug's a big believer in the theory of multiple intelligences, though.  You oughtta hear his IQ rant--its a good one.

Who does the laundry?  Always me.  Doug only does laundry if I'm gone or severely ill.

Who does the dishes?  See above.  Let's face it.  He works like 50 hours a week and I'm home all day.  I don't see any good reason for him to do dishes or laundry with any regularity.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?  That would be me.

Who pays the bills?  Doug.  

Who mows the lawn? When we had one, Doug mowed it.

Who cooks dinner?  Oh, that would be me again.  I am SO a 50s housewife. lol.  Actually, most 50s housewives probably cooked better dinners than me most of the time.

Who is more stubborn?  Oooh, tough call.  We're both incredibly stubborn, but I do hide my stubbornness better.  Does that count for anything?

Who asked who out?  He asked me out.  HE pursued ME. Don't let him tell you anything else, because that's the truth.

Who proposed?  He did.  I wouldn't marry a guy if I had to propose.  

Who has more friends? Its a toss up.

Who is more sensitive? Me

Who has more siblings? He does by one.

Who wears the pants in the relationship?  Its pretty darned equal.

Who are you tagging?  Anyone who has not been tagged.

What we don't see.

Its hard to know what really goes on in someone's life or heart.  I think we would all be shocked to discover how often we misjudge, or how much we assume, even about those whom we see and speak with frequently.  And, sadly, sometimes we don't realize how much someone means to us until we have seen them hurt or have been hurt by them.  I know how much of my own heart I keep hidden from everyone but my husband, and so its always a bit shameful to me when I learn that I have over-assumed--when I have found that I thought I understood better than I did and made judgments accordingly.  How terrible and how marvelous people can be.  I felt like it was appropriate to share this again.

Desiderata

(c) 1952 Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than

yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, 

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God. . . .

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham drudgery and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

"Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not, fear not."   ~D&C 6:36

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." ~John 16:33

Superbowl and scrubdown

It was popcorn balls instead of hot wings and pink plastic mini patio chairs instead of Lazy Boys, but Keilana and Dylan did enjoy the Superbowl (the beginning of it anyway).