Mixed Emotions

Yesterday was such an odd day in some ways.  At about 9 in the morning, one of my friends called and asked if Keilana and I would like to come play, which was a definite yes.  It was nice and sunny out and they have a great big backyard, so we had my two kids, her two kids who are still at home (ages 4 & 1) and another friend's youngest two who she was babysitting (ages 3 & 1) all running around the backyard with the two dogs, having a blast.  Dylan, Grant and Lulu--the youngest three--mostly amused themselves by throwing dirt.  They also enjoyed the various ride-on toys scattered about the lawn and deck.  The older three spent most of their time on the grass or the trampoline just enjoying the sunshine.  It was a glorious, spring-y day--about 65 degrees and sunny.  The kids were all so excited to be outside, as winter seems to be long gone around here. I hadn't sat and had a real, grown up conversation with anyone but Doug is some time, so it was a lot of fun for me, too. I LOVE to be outside, so it was a real treat to just be out in the spring sunshine.

It wasn't all wonderful, though.  Yesterday was also what would've been Conner's second birthday, so I was a bit melancholy all day.  Dylan turns two on Monday, and we haven't planned a birthday party or even bought any presents yet.  I seemed to be having a hard time getting around to it.  I think the truth is that, though not entirely consciously, I've been avoiding it.  It just doesn't quite seem right to be planning a birthday just for Dylan--it feels incomplete.  So it'll probably be another week before we get around to doing cake and ice cream for him, which is fine since he won't know the difference.  No matter how good the day got, I couldn't ever quite get it out of my mind.  And I hope that for my son's sake I can eventually get to a point where I can celebrate his birthday without grief.

On the drive home from Angie's, I had a pretty light-hearted moment.  The windows were down with the wind blowing through the car, the sun was shining and I had Tom Petty blaring through the stereo.  Whenever that set of circumstances comes together, I'm suddenly in my old car driving too fast down Hillside road with a cloud of dust behind me; or in the back of a convertible on Kam Highway with my feet hanging over the side, watching the sun pass through the palm trees.  And life is good.

This time it wasn't a dirt road in Montana or a two lane highway on the north shore of Oahu--it was the driver's seat in a Honda Accord with two kids in the backseat.  The feeling was the same, though;  heartaches and all, life is still good.  As a matter of fact, its better than ever.