On top of being introverted, I am by nature also quite shy (no, they are not the same thing--look it up). This combination has not made connecting with people easy in my life, particularly in the last few years with frequent moves. As I was talking about it, I realized it may have sounded to them like I was proud of being an introvert or of being reluctant to share things with others, which couldn't be farther from the truth (and would be just plain weird, besides).
My insistence was in fact a symptom of my frustration with myself. Those are all things about myself that I fight very consistently. When I was a teenager, my 3-year-old nephew was at our house and my dad was good naturedly teasing him. He responded, "That's not funny, Papa. You hurt my feelings." I started to laugh at him and my mom said, "Don't laugh, that's good. When you were that age we were worried about you because you never wanted anybody to see anything but happy, even when you were a baby." I faked a laugh, but it wasn't funny anymore. I was still very much that person. There was only one person I ever really opened up to at all, and with him it only happened about 1/8 of the time.
I've gotten much better since then. This blog is evidence of that. Writing it is one of the ways in which I try to get myself to open up a bit more (its easier this way since I don't actually have to talk to anyone and can pretend no one reads it). When I was 16, just writing the above paragraphs for public consumption would have felt like sacrilege and been simply impossible for me to do. Its making me mildly nauseous right now, but I'm confident I'll be able to hit "publish" when I'm done. I do open up to people more now, but only in tiny bits or relatively general statements. More than that, its enormously difficult and a very conscious effort for me to do it and to appear at ease while doing it. Talking about myself in any way that is more than superficial--such as basic goings on in my life--makes me very uncomfortable. Saying anything more specific than "I used to do this" or "one time I did this" or "I've always struggled with this weakness or doubt" doesn't usually happen. I speak very openly with my husband and with Sam, but beyond that its just little bits and pieces here and there.
The only problem with all of this (I mean the part that's "gotten me in trouble" with people, so to speak) is that most people perceive me to be a very open person. I remember one time during college, I made a remark to my closest friend at the time that really surprised her and threw her perception of me off. She looked me over for a minute and then said, "You aren't quite the open book you seem to be, are you?" For some time after that she was a bit more cautious with me, until she learned I was not actually deceptive. I love people and having friends and am very trustworthy--that part is all genuine. But it took some time for her to believe that after I messed with her view of me by being a little more forthcoming about myself. The fact is that, quite simply,I am turtle. Its not that my heart is any more complex or interesting than anyone else's. Its not that my thoughts are deeper or more meaningful than anyone else, or my experiences broader or having greater meaning. Its simply that I have a nice hard, little shell that I tend to retreat into the moment I feel the least bit exposed.
Which is probably why one of my college professors only half-jokingly accused me of having avoidant personality disorder. He had plenty of evidence on his side (I didn't help him by bringing up several old friends who had thought that we'd been fairly close for years, only to feel in the end like they hardly knew me), but I always held the trump card. At 18, I intentionally chose a school 3,000 miles away from home and everyone I knew in an unfamiliar environment and I not only survived it, I thrived there. I certainly have my deficiencies and challenges, but even if its a slow process, I am winning the battles against my weaknesses.
1 comment:
Post a Comment