Grrr!!

I try to avoid frustrated rants for the most part (unless they're about insane days with my kids), because there's enough negativity out there, so I try to avoid negative subjects unless there is something constructive or positive to be learned from them.  This is just something I cannot understand and wish someone could explain to me.

So I'm gonna be a bit of a hypocrite and dive in here.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I try not to assume I know or understand them well enough to pass a lot of judgments.  I fail from time to time, but that is something I have always tried very hard to be good about (except in conversations with my husband, where I let the frustrations flow to get it out of my system so I can start thinking positive things about people again).  I am more than happy most of the time to be patient with people's faults or even just annoying habits or personality traits, because I hope that most people would be forgiving of mine.  But I must finally admit that I begin to lose my patience very quickly with people who, over time, consistently display selfish behavior.  It makes me crazy.

As anyone who has spent any time around small children can tell you, the only person whose needs and desires that a toddler has any concept of are his own.  As children grow up, they learn to share and take turns and say and do all the right things to be "polite", but the fact is that most human beings remain incredibly self-focused all the way through adolescence and often well into young adulthood.  Frequently it continues until someone gets married or even until they have children (there are cases where it doesn't even end there, and that's particularly aggravating).  This is, I believe, one of the primary reasons that the Lord has continually counseled young people not to put off marriage or children.  Though not true of everyone, it is certainly true for most people that the longer you are responsible for only yourself, the more self-focused you become, and the harder breaking the habit of selfishness becomes.

Now, don't get me wrong, I can certainly be selfish--hugely selfish at times, in fact.  But it is not generally one of my bigger challenges.  That's not because I'm any great paragon of virtue, as anyone who has ever had the trial of living with me can tell you.  Its simply that I have had semi-unique circumstances throughout most of my life that have helped me to focus more on those around me than on myself.  I was born a twin, and from a very young age, I liked to "take care of" him.  A lot of the reason behind that was that I hated being the center of attention as a child because I was shy and ever so self-conscious, and so focusing on him made me think less about myself and consequently make me feel less anxious.  But as we grew up, I was always finding people to take care of in one way or another.  As a teenager there were times when I felt like I was living in two different worlds and focusing on the needs of others was necessary for mental and emotional health.  Then I married young and had husband's needs and desires to consider before becoming a mother 10 months later and then having children to focus on.  I've just always been blessed enough to have people in my life who could use a little nurturing or attention, which saved me from ever focusing too much on myself.

So I don't have a lot of empathy for people who are selfish and consequently not much compassion.  The more selfish someone is, the more they irritate me, almost the same way a yippy chihuahua does.  I know, that's terrible.  Most of the selfish people I know are also those who are most easily offended, and having to tip toe around them makes me crazy.  I hate having to listen to every word of every sentence of everything they want to talk about no matter if I find it the least bit interesting.  I hate the cluelessness that selfish people tend to have about themselves--and I always find that ironic, that they spend more time than most people focused on themselves, and yet often know themselves the least.  I can't stand the grandiose sense of self-importance, or just the utter ignorance about how many of their actions and words affect people around them.

But what really upsets me, what at once both infuriates and depresses me, is how some people can sometimes be so selfish that they can create an elaborate delusion about who they really are, of what their actions and life have meant to them and those around them.  It makes me sick to my stomach when someone is so selfish that they create for themselves an alternate reality so that they can see everything the way they want to, not be bothered with things as they really are.  That kind of selfishness whittles away at every meaningful relationship in your life until eventually there's nothing left.  I can't understand being so selfish you'd rather be alone than be wrong.  

I have spent all of my life surrounded, in one way or another, by a loving support system.  I grew up with a wonderful family who I both love and like and incredible friends who are still an important part of my life.  In Hawaii, I had an awesome ward I would've lived in for the rest of my life if those circumstances weren't impossible.  I have great in-laws and wonderful friends here who offer me a lot of support.  If I screwed up, I would do anything I could to make it right so that I didn't lose any one of them.  I can't imagine holding on to my pride and losing all of them.

Forever

Yesterday, I was talking to my mother-in-law online and she mentioned that they were going to the temple in the evening. I said I wished I was going with them and she said, "You could!!"  Doug couldn't get off work early enough to come with us, so I drove to Tulare and rode up to Fresno with my mother and father in law and another couple from their ward.

We only did initiatories and sealings.  I hadn't done initiatories since my own Endowment, so it was a nice refresher.  I have been surprised much over the last almost five years since going to the temple how much not just what I think has changed, but how I think.  Its been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly why that is as I have gone and done more Endowment sessions, since much of what is presented in the Endowment is not new information.  Perhaps I see it differently than I once did, but the knowledge itself isn't terribly different than what I knew before.  Hearing the promises of the initiatory ordinances made it suddenly clear why the way I think has changed so very much.  

All of the names that we did work for, both in the initiatory ordinances and the sealing ordinances, were names Katy had found in her genealogy.  One of the women I did work for was a Hyde--Doug's middle name.  It was kind of fun to feel some connection to the people I was serving.  When we went into the sealing room, Katy and Chuck started out doing the few couple sealings she had found that needed to be done.  When it was time to begin sealing children to parents, the sealer asked if "that pretty young lady you were sitting next to" was a member of their family.  Katy said, "Yes, she's our daughter-in-law".  I went up to sit in place of the daughters as we sealed all these women to their parents, and I thought about the difference between what the state defines as a family member, and what "family" really means to me.  In the eyes of the law, Katy is my mother-in-law and Chuck is my stepfather-in-law--not necessarily very strong bonds.  But Katy is sealed to Chuck, and to Doug, and I am sealed to Doug.  We are all caught together in a big, beautiful and eternal web.  We were offering that same comfort and blessing to generations of others--binding them together in the glorious celestial threads that hold us all together forever.  

The people we were acting in behalf of weren't just a random pile that the temple had assigned us--they were Katy's family, and by extension, my own.  I was performing a service that, in effect, widened my own family circle.  It is true that every act of service we perform eventually blesses us as well as those we serve, but nowhere is the blessing so immediate as in temple service.  There are still some missing links in our chain, but hopefully eventually those will be filled as well.  The promises, protections and rewards of an eternal sealing--husband to wife and parent to child--are pretty much too incredible to fully comprehend.  Every time that I do sealings, I'm grateful that my children were born into this world under the protection of that covenant and I'm grateful that so many people are working so hard to find the names of those who weren't so that the work can be done and that blessing can be extended to every family.  Because forever is an awfully long time to be alone.

Why "Hinges"?

Ok, so I've had a few people ask me why I titles my blog "Hinges" because they thought it was kind of odd and random and didn't really get it.  So I will take a minute to explain.

I actually borrowed the idea from an analogy that President Gordon B. Hinkley used several times in talks and firesides when he was a General Authority.  He said:

"I approached a large farm gate one day.  I lifted the latch and opened the gate.  The movement at the hinges was so slight as to be scarcely discernible.  But the other end of the gate cut a great arc sixteen feet in radius.  Looking at the movement of the hinges alone, one would never dream of the magnified action that came as a result of that tiny movement.

"So it is with the decisions in our lives.  Some small thought, some small word, some small action can lead to tremendous consequences."

There have been big events in my life--leaving for college, getting married, giving birth to children, mourning the deaths of loved ones, etc.--but the substance of my life is all the small moments in between.  Getting married, for example, was a hugely momentous thing.  But what has made marriage something phenomenal was not a beautiful, perfectly decorated wedding or feats of romantic fantasy.  What has made Doug and I the people we are as individuals and the couple we are as one are all the tiny little moments that pass each day--a brief phone call at work to tell him about something funny the 2 year old did, a never-neglected kiss as he walks out the door, a tender, understanding glance from across the room that no one else even noticed.

And so I thought it a fitting title for a blog that contains mostly picture and thoughts about the seemingly little things in life--moments spent laughing with my children or talking with my husband.  A log of thoughts and activities that I don't imagine are terribly exciting or interesting to anyone else, but create minute by minute, day by day, the hinges on which my life swings.  Tiny little movements that determine the arc of my life, who I am.  All the little stuff that matters to me.

Our little bundles of joy!

See how pretty they are? Don't you want to take one home with you?  They're gorgeous cats. . .granted, its a little hard to tell when they're all crammed behind my washing machine and you're looking through spiderwebs, but still.

A Tale of Six Kitties

The couple that we bought our house from are very nice people who had four adorable children when they lived here.  There was a stray white cat who wandered around the bushes outside.  Just a few months before they moved, she was obviously pregnant and they kept leaving food out for her, closer and closer to the garage, hoping that she might come have her babies in there where it was warm and safe.  Alas, they never succeeded.

We would see this cat occasionally on our way to our car (and Dylan would squeal with delight and chase her), but she was always shy and wouldn't come close.  Last November, we gave away our great big dog and since then the little white cat has been venturing regularly into our backyard.  So we have fed her three or four times and she has ever so gradually become more friendly.  

Then I thought perhaps the extra meals at our house were too generous, as she seemed to be getting fat.  It didn't take us long to realize that she wasn't fat, but was in fact pregnant again.  She was even letting Dylan pick her up at this point, though I'm not sure if that was because of increased friendliness of decreased ability to make a quick getaway due to her large pregnant tummy.

A few days ago, I saw her in the backyard, meowing and begging, obviously no longer pregnant and then that night I could hear new kittens meowing outside.  While my kids were napping I went outside to see if I could find them, but was unsuccessful.

So yesterday, I left the back door (that opens into our garage) open so that Keilana could ride her tricycle on the back patio while I cleaned the kitchen.  I opened the door from the house to the garage, and saw the cat running out of our garage--venturing inside was new for her.  I didn't think much of it at the time.

Last night I was in skirt and dress shirt and heels, headed out the door for a meeting when, passing through the garage, I heard the distinct meowing of young kittens.  I followed the sound until I found them--a pile of at least five very young kittens--behind my washing machine.  She had moved her entire litter into the comfortable warmth of my garage.

So would anyone like a cat?  They are only a few days old, so it will be several weeks before they're ready to go anywhere.  I don't know the genders yet, but almost all of them are white with orange patches, and there is at least one calico (though I may keep her for myself).  But the other four (or five or six, I'm not completely certain yet) must find homes eventually.  Please take one!!  

Either that or I'll just show up at church with a box full of kittens and have all the little kids fall in love with them and thus make their parents look like jerks if they don't take one.  Mwhahaha! I'm so crafty.

Let there be peace on earth. . .

and let it begin with me.

This is the last paragraph of a talk I gave back in January.  I was glad I came across today, because I very much needed the reminder today. 

"To my mind, the most difficult thing Christ has asked of us is, 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them which hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.'  But He has asked nothing of us where He has not first shown the way Himself.  When He was on the cross, He pled, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'  He looked around at those that had beaten Him, whipped Him, spat upon Him, mocked Him and crucified Him and as He was full of pain and exhaustion and near to death, what He felt for them was love.  He did not demand justice for their actions or speak their condemnation--both of which he certainly had the power and authority to do.  He asked that they be shown mercy.  When we are truly converted, when we truly have a heart like His, there is no room for anything but love.  There can be no hate in our hearts for our brothers, friends or even those who would make themselves and an enemy to us.  To be sure, that is not an easy thing, but it is possible. . . .The first step in converting to Christ is coming to a knowledge of who He is and thus who we are--sons and daughters of God.  The next step is seeing others that way--children of God with infinite worth and potential.  When we are converted to Christ, we see all men and women, no matter who they are, no matter what our differences and no matter how they treat us as our brothers and sisters, deserving of our love, patience, forgiveness and longsuffering.  It is not always easy, but as we strive to be that kind of person and become more converted, it gets easier.  And it is always worth it."

Frustration can be harmless, but so destructive when it leads to anger.   There are productive, healthy angers, but 9 times out of 10 anger is an ugly, useless thing.  This is my new mantra.

"Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."  Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and. . . . . . . . 

Sweetbriar Fountains

For those of you who don't know, there's a beautiful public plaza just about a block and half behind our house that includes a bunch of fountains the kids can play in.  We're really grateful for that, especially since it hit the mid 80s and even the 90s this week!  Just a few highlights.