Moments of Peace

The last few months have been messy.  Several people in our life are at a sort of crossroads, unsure of where to go next, or afraid to take a step forward.  It has been difficult to watch people we love remain "stuck", unsure of what we can do to help.  Combine this with several hiccups at McDermont, my fatigue (and occasional days of nausea and headaches still), working nearly every evening and Saturday, pregnancy hormones (curse them!), getting behind in our callings, etc, and you have a recipe for an increased need for peace.

Peace can be elusive, but only if we are seeking it in the wrong places or the wrong manner (which as mortals we are quite prone to doing).  It has often struck me how often in the New Testament the Savior instructs us to be at peace or to "be of good cheer".  This seems like a pretty reasonable request from the Prince of Peace, but the reason it has always stood out to me is that His own earthly tenure was filled with more difficulties and sorrows than we can imagine.  Yet we know that He asks nothing of us that H0e has not done or been, so I must conclude that despite His earthly sorrows and trials, He was at peace and cheerful as He walked this fallen world.  If we look to Him and truly strive to be obedient and humble, peace is easy to find.

Sometimes peace is hardest to come by because our faith is weak.  I think sometimes we confuse hope and faith.  They are intertwined with one another to some degree, but they aren't quite the same thing.  I think sometimes, particularly when we are struggling, we say we have faith that the Lord will provide, that He will direct, that He will bless us, when what we really mean is that we have hope in those things.  Hope is standing in the light--we may not be able to see very far, but we can see where we're standing and the danger in that is that sometimes we can get a bit too comfortable with that limited vision and so we get stuck.  As Elder Bednar so succinctly put it, faith is taking that first step into the dark and trusting that the light will follow.  That can certainly be scary and difficult.  But we have to take that step forward if we want to ever get anywhere, if we ever want to make any progress.  As C.S. Lewis said, "What saves a man is to take a step.  Then another step."

Sometimes I hate taking that step.  Sometimes I have to convince myself to do it because I hate putting my foot forward in the dark not being able to see where it will land.  Doug and I have talked a lot in recent weeks about Nephi's declaration that "I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."  It wasn't that there wasn't a plan, its that Nephi didn't know what the plan was--the Lord only revealed the plan to him one step at a time, and Nephi just kept having to exercise the faith to take that step.  Most of them were more like leaps--he exercised faith and was in return asked to do difficult things.  But he did it because he trusted the Lord.  Do I have that kind of faith?  Do I exercise that kind of meekness?  Do I possess the courage and strength to do what I should, regardless of the hurdles I must leap to do so?  I certainly don't think so, but it is what I want to develop.

Even when I don't want to, I can usually (even though there's often a lot of hesitation and hemming and hawing first) get myself to take that first step because the Lord has more than delivered on every promise He's made me so far.  I was thinking last Monday how blessed I have been.  From a very young age, one of my strongest and most earnest desires was to have a home where Priesthood authority presided and was actively exercised--to have a husband who could hold my babies in that circle of Priesthood and give them a name, who could bless them when they were sick, who could baptize and confirm them.  I wanted a husband who would take me to the temple.  I wanted a father for my children who would be an active participant in their lives, who would play with them and cuddle them.  As I looked up after Doug finished blessing Keilana, I was overcome with gratitude for the blessings in my life and I was reminded of the Book of Mormon, which tells us many times that the Lord blessed the people for the righteous desires of their hearts.

I have not always been a very valiant servant.  I have not always been the daughter that I ought to be.  I have made and continue to make a lot of mistakes.  I have had many desires in my life that have most certainly not been righteous.  But my husband has blessed both of my babies shortly after their birth.  He married me in the temple and has gone there with my often the last 5 years.  He is attentive and playful and affection with our children.  Keilana has twice been healed by the Lord through the laying on of his hands, and received her first Father's Blessing to start school.  For the small amount of obedience and faith I have managed to exercise, the Lord has blessed me with an undeserved abundance.  I can only imagine what blessings he could pour out if I could more often set aside my pride or stubbornness be as happy as he made me to be.