Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Passive Aggressive Dog Kicking

Want to know something horrible about me?   When I'm upset at myself about something--I mean really, really upset--I have a tendency to find the first person I can to criticize about the same subject so I don't feel so lousy.

The trouble with this is not only is it mean, I also way overdo it.  I blow things out of proportion, jump to conclusions, and descend to levels of viciousness I rarely know.  So I, of course, always only feel lousier in the end.

A lot of people do this--"kicking the dog".  I'm mad and you're the one in front of me, so I'm going to yell at you, whether you had anything to do with it or not.  But here's the thing:  I don't yell.  I almost always do it very quietly or in writing.  Without volume on my side, I have to employ a whole lot more meanness in my word choice or subject choice for the same effect.  So when I do it, its usually much worse than anything I've ever had yelled at me.

I usually realize as soon as its done what I've done, but then its too late.  I've said what I've said and there's no taking it back.  I can apologize til I'm blue in the face, but why should anyone believe me?  When you're yelling, you can say, "Look I was upset.  Didn't mean anything by it."  But when you don't look upset, and really aren't that upset at them (as I noted, I almost always do it because I'm upset at myself), but then say something really terrible, it seems the only logical conclusion is that you sincerely meant it.  Even if you don't.  Why should they believe any thing else?  I wouldn't, if the situation were reversed.  And unfortunately, I'm also particularly good (bad?) at this.  I have an awful ability to stab exactly where it hurts the most.  Not so much pouring salt in an open wound as usually tearing apart ones that have just started to close.

Its not entirely conscious.  This, in my better moments, is a tremendous gift.  I am often able to instinctually know where someone's weakest points are, and consequently am able to provide the most effective help and comfort.  But when I'm upset, it makes my lashing out that much meaner, without me even realizing it until I've done it.

It wouldn't even be so bad if I did it to people I was actually mad at, when I was mad at them (the malice in THOSE moments is, I'm afraid, off the charts--cool and calculated).  But most of the time I do it to people I love who I am not angry at just because they were the first person in my path when I was pissed at myself.  I guess subconsciously I probably do it to them because I trust that they'll forgive me.

But trust isn't something we should abuse.  Maybe if I got a dog I'd stop kicking people so much.

1 comment:

Christa said...

What happened to the post about your new calling/husband??