It seems like everywhere I go the last few weeks, the ideas of agency and personal responsibility keep popping up. In talks, lessons, conversations, etc. I've learned from experience that when a subject comes up so frequently by "coincidence" its best not to ignore the timing. Part of my attention to the subject is undoubtedly because with at least one of the individuals with whom the idea has been discussed recently, he could cause a great deal of consequences directly to my own life depending on the decisions that he makes.
I am sure, however, that I need the reminding myself. We all have habits, traits, insecurities, problems, etc, which we struggle with. Myself not the least of all. It is easy, particularly in a modern American environment that teaches that nothing that is wrong with us is our own fault, to blame our parents, race, economic status or a countless number of other factors for these things. I do believe very strongly that in the end, each man or woman will be asked to stand and give an accounting of their relationship with their spouse and with each of their children, but in the end, each of us will make that accounting ourselves and we will be expected to take responsibility for our actions (or failures to act) regardless of what our families or friends have said about their own actions.
Its like the current attitude so many have when they say something offensive or stupid and then are shocked when people react poorly. They say, "That's not fair! I have the right to free speech!" when what they really mean is that they want the freedom to say any and everything they want, but don't think they should have to deal with the consequences. Everything that we do has consequences, good or bad, even if we may not see those consequences right away.
If we blame others for our challenges, our failures, our bitternesses, we have no chance to truly improve. Every year one of the lessons we teach the youth is on ancestors or heritage or something along those lines. And included for the teacher's benefit is a page of instruction and counsel from Elder Marion D. Hanks. He asks that teachers remember to be sensitive to those in class who may come from broken families or less-than-stellar backgrounds. We are instructed to remind the youth that it is good to be well-descended, but the credit belongs to our ancestors, and the same is true in the opposite circumstances. "While we may not be in a position to do much about improving our parents," he says, "there is everything we can do about deciding what kind of parents our own children will have."
I have from time to time blamed other people in my life for my own challenges, and am tempted still to do it sometimes. If I am angry, I want to blame the person at whom I'm angry, not take responsibility for my own emotions or whatever control I have over the situation. When I am insecure about certain things, I want to blame certain individuals or circumstances from my adolescence. But what does that solve? I am so tremendously grateful that the Lord pointed out to me early in life that blaming others does not help them and it only hurts me. Because deciding what kind of parents your children will have doesn't start when you have a baby. It doesn't start when you get pregnant or when you get married. It starts when you're about 12 or 13. Unfortunately its incredibly difficult, if not nearly impossible, for most teenagers to grasp that the decisions that they make at that point in life have big effects on the life that they will have as adults. Oh sure, its always possible to change course. But it isn't usually easy.
Progress is a funny thing. Its like one of those moving sidewalks in an airport. If you just sit there, you don't just remain stationary, you actually move backwards. A lot of times the people going by reach down a hand to help us, but we refuse to take it so it slaps us in the face instead and then we get bitter about them leaving us behind, refusing to accept that we have alienated ourselves. I just barely escaped that attitude myself recently. A friend pulled me aside and asked me a question. If nearly anyone else had asked me the same thing, I probably would've answered quietly and curtly while going on a mental rampage he couldn't see. But I knew he said what he did out of concern for me, not criticism. So I took responsibility for my actions and I answered his question. And you know what? It made my life a lot easier. The circumstances that brought me to that point didn't change. But my peace increased.
Its not enough to do what is good. There are many, many things that are good. We have to do what is right, and that does narrow the decisions a great deal. It can be difficult to tell which is which, as what is right is always good, but just being good does not necessarily make it right. We can do a great deal of good things and still be full of inner tumult, but if we do the right thing, we can be surrounded by tumult and still have inner peace. That is the promise that the Lord makes. Not just, "It doesn't matter if you're miserable here, because I'll reward you in the hereafter," but he can take the misery away now. In Doctrine and Covenants 59:23 we are told, "But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come." Pain, loss, and so many other difficult circumstances in life are not always optional. But misery is.
There have been times in my life when I have been surrounded by difficult and painful circumstances far beyond my control, and, what's more, been very, very lonely, feeling as though I had no one in my life who understood just how I felt. That is why making the Savior the central pillar of our lives is not just important, but necessary. We are to do what is right because it is right, and if we're trying to do that with only the support of mere mortals, we'll fail. Because people make mistakes, they fail us sometimes, even when they don't mean to. The people who know the biggest chunks of my story have asked me "why" or "how" I made the decisions that I did. I did what I did because it was right--I didn't see how what anyone around me was doing or not doing mattered. That's not because I have any wonderful innate strength or spirituality, its because I relied on the right support system.
If its got me this far, it would be quite depressing to let any of it slip away now because I didn't want to humble myself about my own shortcomings or mistakes. Any excuses I make for why someone else is at fault for anything I don't like in my life are just that: excuses. In Revelation it is written that ". . .God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain. . .". That is, directly, a promise about the Second Coming and the new order established then. But I know from my own experiences, that a small part of that promise is fulfilled here and now if we humbly rely on Him. Its not that there won't be any pain or tears or sorrow, because the Lord is not going to step in and interfere with agency to make things all better for us, but there will be a lot less of all those things, and a lot more of peace and joy. I can't afford to forget that now.
I owe it to Him, for all I have been given and for all he's saved me from that I don't even know about because He's intervened. I know that, though getting to this point required my strength and my own two feet, it wasn't primarily my strength that got me here. When I've gotten angry or when I've tried to deflect and blame, its because I've started to forget. But I made a covenant to always remember. So I try. I know that as for myself, I am next to nothing. I fail a lot. I go to my knees at night with a list running through my mind of what I could've done better today. But I do believe, because when I've tried it it's been true that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Phil 4:13)
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