If you can't make them see the light

Friday evening, Doug and I went up and did a temple session with our good friends Kindon and Angie.  We haven't done a session together in months, so it was just nice to be there, and the company made it that much better.  A delicious dinner at PF Chang's afterward didn't hurt the experience much either.

I've been needing something for months (as evidenced by all the whining and frustration in my blogs), but I had overlooked the need, instead blaming everything on fatigue and pregnancy hormones and stressful situations at work and in our social lives.  While all those things have certainly been reasonable and significant concerns, I have been craving time in the temple.  Its just that I have been so muddled, I had trouble recognizing that craving.  I have felt a bit renewed, much more relaxed and tremendously more at peace in the last two days than all of the last two months combined.  I needed that for myself, and my husband and children need that from me, as we all prepare to expand our family circle and possibly make even more changes.  It is true that no matter what's going on with everyone else, the tone of the home is set by the wife and mother, and the feeling in our home the last few days has been much more peaceful.  How grateful I have been to be able to give that back to my family, as it has been missing far too frequently in recent weeks.

On the car ride there and back and over dinner, conversation ranged all over the place--the recent election (and fall out from Prop 8), mutual friends, family stories, kids and parenting, etc--but at one point, we began talking about a mutual acquaintance who has struggled to get his act together his whole life and whose situation has recently taken a major turn for the worse.

The crux of the conversation was about helping vs. enabling.  Doug hates enabling behavior and becomes quickly aggravated and upset at anything he perceives as such, or anyone he sees displaying that type of behavior.  He has experienced far too personally what one person enabling another's bad habits can do not only to an individual but to a family, and all those affected by the line of dominoes that runs from that individual.  I understand the compulsion to feel like if I just do a little more, if I just "help" a little bit longer, things will change.  But one of the most difficult and painful lessons I have ever had to learn is that there is no helping someone who doesn't want help.  Not someone who says they want help, but someone whose behavior demonstrates a true desire to change, to grow, no matter how painful or difficult that must be.  The truth is, we don't help someone, not really, by shielding them from the consequences of their actions.

I understand that often being an enabler comes from a desire to be Christlike, to be a safe harbor for someone, a shelter from the storm.  While certainly eternally Christ saves us from the consequences of our own actions--that is what the Atonement is, really--He does so only after we take full responsibility for those actions (or inactions).  Only when we feel true Godly sorrow and understand the gravity of what we have done does that Atonement apply.  And in this world, as we are still in the midst of making our mistakes, often the kindest and most merciful thing the Lord does for us is let us get a bit drenched by the rain and parched by the heat.  

We can aspire to lofty ideals all we want (and I certainly am working towards ideals I believe in), but the simple fact of the matter is that human beings are primarily driven by the desire to obtain pleasure or avoid pain.  If someone is constantly trying to save us from the pain or discomfort our own actions may cause us, the sad truth is very few of us would have much motivation to change our behavior.  That's human nature.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to step back and let them fall flat on their face.   The thing about hitting rock bottom is that you've got nowhere to go but up.  Now, its true that some people will just sit there.  But most people will eventually get sick of the dark and misery and start climbing.  That's when its time for a hand up.

While I love Ronald Reagan, he's not generally someone I quote when it comes to spiritual topics.  One of his more famous sayings, though, I think applies here:  "If you can't make them see the light, then let them feel the heat."  When someone is in a pattern of destructive behavior, we try to help by guiding them to true principles.  But if they won't have any of that, the next best thing we can do is have enough faith that if we hold their feet to the fire, they'll start making those changes.