Life's Twists and Turns

Every now and then, I think to myself that I would like the Lord to just give me a five-minute glimpse of His list that has all the major decisions I'll have to make in life and which way I'm supposed to decide (this is assuming, of course, that He makes such lists).   Eventually I always realize that this probably wouldn't work out well for me.  Think about it.  If the Lord had given Nephi the whole picture from the start ("Go back to Jerusalem, and I'll make sure that big, ol' drunk Laban falls at your feet.  Then you can cut off his head, put on his armor and pretend to be him, go to his house and order his servant to get you the brass plates.  Ok? Easy-peasy"), rather than just leading him along one step at a time, he probably never would've went back to Jerusalem in the first place.  Ok, well, maybe Nephi would've, but I sure as heck wouldn't have.  And then where would we be?

As some of you know--and many of you don't--for months Doug and I have been very seriously considering moving to Montana sometime later this year.  Quite a while ago, when the completion of McDermont truly started to be in the headlights for the first time, we started having a What Next? conversation.  Neither of us has felt like Lindsay is "it" for us, in the long term.  We both love it here, so close to the mountains and with a great ward (its hard to imagine finding someone else like Kindon and Angie and Scot and Carolyn anywhere else, God bless them).  But we've both felt like this isn't the end of the line for us, much as we'd like to be permanently settled.  

So anyway, we were talking about the different options for the future.  As Doug has gotten further and further away from planning, the less desire he has to ever go back to it.   Something he has always, always wanted to do, but for most of his life lacked the confidence, is architecture.  He does a lot of design work now (McDermont, the Wellness Center, the sports complex at the HS, etc), and that is the part that he loves.  That's the part he can't put aside, and will spend til 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning working on.  We started talking about how cool it would be to embrace that passion and go into architecture so he could focus on it full time.  It began as a conversation that about what could maybe be possible years down the line, because we didn't know how we could ever afford to do such a thing.  Then it suddenly occurred to us that one of the programs he could do is at MSU--this would allow us to save lots of money because the kids and I could live in my parents' basement, and I would have the necessary family support to raise 3 or 4 kids while my husband is in a master's program and working.

We both felt really good about it, and things seemed to keep falling in to place to make it work.  So we started moving in that direction.  We bounced the idea off family, some being more enthusiastic than others (Mom and Katy were wonderfully supportive).  Doug took the GRE's.  I was looking into costs for some basic cost-of-living stuff (rent in Bozeman, car insurance, internet service, etc.).  Doug registered for classes at COS to bolster his long-neglected math skills (he's taking trig).  And then. . . . .

The longer we've prayed about it (and the clarity I'm finally getting after being muddled my whole pregnancy--I'm finally able to better distinguish inspiration from wild, hormonal emotions), the more we have felt like its not the way to go.  At least not yet.

I thought I'd be more disappointed.  A week or two before I had the baby, Doug said he was starting to feel like maybe it wasn't going to happen, and I wanted to slap him.  We were both worried about the economic side of things, and were a bit apprehensive about the stress that would undoubtedly come with such an arrangement.  But those things aren't that big of a deal, in the long run.  We tend to handle that type of stress pretty well (I know you're probably all thinking of Doug and going, "Handle stress well?" but its truer than you think).  I was angry at him for even suggesting that it might not happen.

For the first time in six years, I felt like going home was actually a feasible possibility and I was excited.  I want to raise my kids where they know the first and last name and half the family history of everyone in their class. I wanted to give them white Christmases and that closeness that all their cousins have.  I wanted the comfort, familiarity and convenience of being surrounded by my wonderful sisters.  I wanted lots of wide, open, safe space to explore--I wanted my children to grow up the way I did, where the line between backyard and wilderness is a little hazy.  My mind had started to latch onto the idea of the glorious, gorgeous Missions as a backdrop to everyday life again; to the thought of cutting my own Christmas tree every year; to having Yaya right there to visit whenever we wanted--to maybe have a chance of my children having the kind of relationship with my mother that I had with her mother; to have my children know and love my beautiful Montana the way I do.

And I am disappointed that if I ever do get those things, it won't be this year.  We are continuing to take those steps so that if it ends up that at some point we do need to make that jump, we are ready. But it won't be right now.  I'm amazed at how OK I feel about that.  I feel like we have followed the Lord's promptings--I don't think beginning to move in that direction was the incorrect decision to make.  For whatever reason, the Lord still wants us here right now to take care of a few other things first.  I seem to have finally learned to trust that when I follow a prompting, even if it doesn't turn out the way I think I want it to, I will be happy.  Every time I have moved in the direction the Lord has guided, even if I didn't think it was what I'd prefer, I have been enormously happy.  

It was funny that I'd started to come to this conclusion and right at the same time, Doug and I happened to catch, "Bruce Almighty" on TV.  There's a scene where he's talking to God after he created a mess by answering "Yes" to everyone's prayers.  He says, "I just gave them all what the wanted."  To which God responds, "But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?"  We think we know what will make us happy.  The Lord really does.  Slowly but surely, I am learning to say with a more enthusiastic heart, "I'll go where you want me to go. . .I'll say what you want me to say. . . I'll be what you want me to be."