Just Keep Moving

Sometimes, we don't just receive an answer. Sometimes, we get beat over the head with it.

Last week had been something of a mini-disaster for me, mentally and emotionally. The weekend had been terrible, and the week's news was awful and discouraging and disappointing (someday I will learn to fight the temptation to read the local paper). I was having sort of a "run away and hide" time. I just kept looking at all the things I wasn't getting done, all the ways I was failing to be the sort of person I should be.

I went to Enrichment Thursday night, and it was all about remembering that there's a person inside the mom/wife/employee/friend who needs to be growing and learning and improving, and gave us some tools to do that in a pro-active way. I made detailed, reasonable and scheduled to-do lists and have been getting so much done.

Saturday, I went to the General RS Broadcast, and President Uchtdorf's talk hit on so many things I didn't even know that I needed to hear. Most importantly (for me, at this moment, at least) he said, "Forget not to be patient with yourself. God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add that God is also fully aware that the people that you think are perfect are not." He pointed out that we spend a great deal of time and energy comparing ourselves to others, often comparing our weaknesses to their strengths.

I have wonderful, amazing friends. I guarantee you'd be jealous (well, maybe you wouldn't, because you're better about such things than I am, but you'd love them), because they are incredible people, fantastic friends. I watch them deal so graciously with their challenges in life, and deal at least diplomatically, if not downright kindly, with people who have been unkind to them, and I feel like I'm just doing lousy for feeling angry or impatient, that I'm never as patient or compassionate or kind as I ought to be. Suddenly, as Elder Uchtdorf spoke, it occurred to me that several of my closest friends are coming up on 40 in the next year or two. They probably are better at those things than I am, but they've also had more than a decade more practice and learning than I have. As long as I'm still trying and moving forward, I ought to be more patient with myself. I'm not even 30 yet, there is likely still lots of time to become the person I want to be.

As President Uchtdorf continued, I realized that I have my strengths, as well. The next thing he said was, "Forget not to be happy now." He talked about how in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, people got so obsessed looking for that golden ticket, that they completely forgot the joy they once got from a simple candy bar--only the big prize will do. So many people wait for that "golden ticket", whatever it may be in their mind, instead of enjoying the blessings they have right now. When he said that, I remembered that I am good at that. I had a rough week, but generally one of my strengths in life is that I can find joy and happiness in the little day to day moments. I am constantly amazed at the many wonderful little blessings scattered throughout each day. My life is filled with little tender mercies, and I know that. I enjoy the little things in life, and that is a big blessing not just to me, but also to my family.

What helped the most in putting me back on an even keel was an enlightening conversation I had with a friend on Friday. She passed along some information that helped me step back and look at the big picture a bit differently. I had a few things she said in mind while I was listening to Elder Uchtdorf's talk and suddenly a memory popped into my mind. Years ago, I was attempting to comfort a friend who had been hurt by a loved one's actions, and she said, "I don't know how I supposed to feel. . .am I the victim here?" And my response to her was something along these lines: "Well, that's one of the hardest things about addiction [addiction here defined as any repetitive, habitual, destructive pattern of behavior we rely on]. He's the victim. You're collateral damage--you definitely got hurt, but you're not the one that has to break this pattern. You can pick yourself up and dust yourself off. He is the biggest victim of his own behavior; he's probably going to need a lot of help getting back on his feet."

I realized it was high time I followed my own counsel. My family got hurt, my friends got hurt and I don't respond in a very Christlike manner to that, but I had forgotten (or in this case, just didn't realize) just how hurt some of the people I was directing my anger at were. Far more hurt than I am. I just needed to be reminded that compassion is the quickest way to quell anger. Because one other strength I have is that when I can see that someone is hurting, every instinct in me pushes me to offer comfort. I innately have this sort of "must make it better" response when someone is hurting--I have to fix it, I have to love it away. But I had let frustration and distance blind me to the pain that was there. I needed someone to show it to me, so that compassion could take root and push the anger out of my heart.

I was a bit frustrated with myself for taking so long (relatively) to finally reach that point, and then my sister (who is trying to get back into a running routine) posted a little sign today that said, "Whether it is a 14 minute mile or a 7 minute mile, it is still a mile". I needed that. The Lord knows I'm not perfect, and he doesn't expect me to run faster than I have strength. He just asks that I keep moving forward. And I trust that, even if no one else notices, he sees my little victories and cherishes them just as I silently cheer when I see my own children win their little battles.

Makin' wishes

Honesty

So I'm standing at the counter peeling potatoes, and Kylie is pretending to "cook", playing with the lid to my sauce pot. Before I know it, she's broken the handle off the lid.

"Shnikee!" says I.

Keilana and Dylan immediately start to berate her for this travesty, so I shush them a bit and say, "Chill guys, she didn't mean to."

At that point, Kylie started to cry loudly, and I asked why.

Drooping her shoulders, barely understandable through sobs, she told me, "I did it on purpose!!"

A well-rounded education. . .

Apparently a couple of days ago, during a test, Keilana's teacher urged the kids, "Arriba! Arriba! Arriba!" At which point, Keilana giggled and asked her teacher (in Spanish, of course) if she'd ever seen The Three Amigos. I'm sure her teacher appreciates all the cultural education we're doing with her at home.

If we have to move and end up somewhere whiter, I can just hear Keilana coming home from her caucasian-heavy school and asking, "Are gringos falling from the sky?"

Not Exactly Mozart

So on the way to pick up Dylan from school this afternoon, I hear Kylie start singing from the back seat:

"Poopie in the potty

Poopie in my pants

Sit in the corner

Poo-pee, poo-pee, poo-pee

poo-pee, poo-pee, poo-pee

Pee in the toilet,

pee in the toilet

not in the corner

poo-pee, poo-pee, poo-pee

ttthhhhheeeee eeeeennnnnnndd!"

She then muttered, barely audibly, to herself, "I poop in the toilet so I don't sit in the corner."

Then she piped up a bit louder and said, "Mommy, do you like my poopee song? I made it up."

This is sort of par for the course with this one. Until school started, I think I forgot that she was only 2. She plays so well with the five and seven year olds, and mostly keeps up with them, so I forgot how remarkable her language skills were until the older two were gone all day, and all the sudden there's this tiny little person speaking to me in complete, correct paragraphs with $3 words. She's kind of hilarious.

Stir Crazy!

Ok, so here's the thing: last October, we took the kids to Apple Hill, up near Placerville. We picked some apples, bought a couple of boxes (and made lots of apple chips, apple pies and apple sauce), enjoyed some home-baked goodies, and just generally had a fantastic weekend. That was nearly a year ago. Since then:

In January, we took a day trip over to Cal Poly to look into finishing Doug's Master's Degree. In June, we took the kids up to the park one last time before our passes expired and hiked Moro Rock and saw the General Sherman tree. That same week, we took a day trip to Pismo Beach, with a stop at Cal Poly on the way to drop off some papers for Doug's last class. For my birthday, we got to go to Visalia and have some burgers and do a little paint-your-own-pottery for a few hours with no children. Last month, Doug and I took a day trip to Inverness with just the baby. Oh, and this spring we went to a movie and went to the temple a couple of times. And that's it. In a year, that's all the time I've spent out of Lindsay or away from my children. And that wouldn't be so bad, except it was this year, and with McDermont right across the street, and having to pass City Hall every time I go to or from the kids' school and having a tense reaction to a couple members of the ward I see every week, I could've used a bit more relaxing.

But we don't have a plan yet, so I must change my attitude. For the most part, through all this nonsense, I've been quite calm and quite happy. A few things all came to a head this week, and I must admit I was a class A grump. That must change, because its not fair to my family--being grumpy doesn't get us anywhere, but it does make everyone more grumpy. So I'm saying all this to preface this statement: Don't be surprised if my blog posts start turning into merely lists of things I'm grateful for or funny things that happened during the week. Because there are a lot of good things happening in my life, and my husband and kids deserve a happy wife and momma to take care of them, so I need to focus more consciously on those good things.

On a side note, this morning as I was listening to Kylie sing to herself, I was remembering how at this age Keilana regularly sang I Am a Child of God and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam. Kylie's regular repertoire? Bust a Move by Young MC and We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister. My parenting might be getting worse with each child.

Now what?

We're doing OK. Disappointed because the job we wanted, the one that would've been almost perfect, didn't come through. But doing OK.

Tired, though. This year has been a doozy. A doozy that followed four whoppers. We're very quickly running out of time (read: money) and still have no idea where to find our footing. That can be very exhausting. Add to that that I almost always go to bed way later than I should, wake up frequently at night, and now I have some kind of nasty bug or something that is completely and utterly zapping my energy and making my whole body hurt. Especially my throat.

A couple of weeks ago, my dad posted the following in response to one of Doug's posts on Facebook:

What I learned going through similar experiences: 1. Trying to understand what God wants from you is more important than trying to get what you think you want 2. As long as the family is together, the rest is little stuff 3. The Red Sea does part, but not until the last possible moment

That's almost exactly how I've been feeling. I know something will work out, though its getting rather difficult to see what or how. And we have each other and our happy little troop of kiddos. Beyond that, life is mostly details.

So we're tired. Feeling a bit befuddled, but we're happy. And if there is one thing we've never felt in all this, its alone. Thank you for your love. We have felt it and been sustained by it more than you'll probably ever know.