Blessings

So, it seems like I've missed 1,000 things lately. . .and I have. I've remembered to scribble a few things down here and there but it occurred to me that since starting this blog a couple of years ago, I've gotten quite horrible about journaling. I hope I haven't lost anything important in the busyness while I neglected to blog.

Keira Clark was blessed on Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011 in the Lindsay Ward of the Porterville California Stake. She was blessed by her daddy, Douglas Clark, with Brad Clark, Paul West and Nate McDonald (uncles), Christopher Clark, Charles Winter (grandpas), and Kindon Meik and Clint Ashcraft (family friends) all standing in.

Seeing any baby blessed, especially my own, always makes me feel joyful. I was particularly grateful at Keira's blessing, however. With everything that has been going on of late and the emotional exhaustion that has resulted from all that, seeing my little girl in that big circle of faithful Priesthood holders and knowing that she was coming to a place and family where she was already so tremendously loved reminded me how blessed we are. It was a striking visual and spiritual reminder that I have in my life many, strong loving arms surrounding me and supporting me. For every difficulty in my life, there are at least a dozen blessings, usually in the form of friends and loved ones. To be loved by and bound to so many good people is truly a supernal joy--there are no words.

Keira was blessed that she would be able to know right from wrong, and blossom into the kind of young women that her Father in Heaven will be pleased with. She was told that she has been blessed with many gifts that would reveal themselves over time. She was blessed that she would be able to feel the love of her family, as she has been born to a home and family where there is a great deal of love and affection; that she would have the ability to be a peacemaker and someone that her siblings love to be around; that she would be motivated to serve others and have the health and strength she would need to do so.

I've learned to pay close attention to baby blessings--I used to think of them as a nice thing we do, but not being an ordinance otherwise not very important. But it has been fun to go back and read my older childrens' blessings as they've grown a little and I've gotten to know them better and see how they fit in our little family.

In Keilana's blessing, we heard that she would have a keen heart and strong testimony, with the ability to bring the Spirit into her home and into the lives of those around her, to be a comfort to me and set an example of for her siblings as they came, and that she would know the Savior's love for her. I've often said to Doug and a few others that is amazes how natural and almost instinctive her understanding of the Gospel is-its always wonderful to see how much she "gets" it and understands for someone her age. I've never worried much about her-something's always told me, this one will figure it out. And she lights people up-everywhere she goes, she collects fan clubs because she's got so much love to give.

And Dylan. Oh, Dylan. He was blessed that he'd continue to have a good disposition and a good relationship with his sister, and that he would have the spiritual fortitude to face his challenges, because he would have some that were unique to him. When I heard that and he was only six weeks old, it threw me for a bit of a loop, "What does that mean?" Now that I've watched him grow a little, I have a much better understanding of what that meant. I don't always know what to do with him, but he delights me with all off his little strangenesses.

When Kylie was blessed, I remember thinking, "OK, I've got this one pegged." Her blessing said exactly what I expected, which is funny, since hers was the longest of any of our babies. She was told that she was one of the Lord's chosen daughters and would have His spirit with her, that she would be a stalwart and faithful member of the Church. She was told that she would be a steadying influence in her family and a support and friend to her siblings, as well as to many others. She was blessed that she would love and learn to embrace the Gospel and be baptized and learn the virtues taught in YW so that she could start an eternal family of her own, that she would be a light in her mother's eyes and quick to smile. As little as she is, so much of that has already been fulfilled, and I'm sure will continue to be. With a lot of intense personality coming before her, she's our little even keel, our little charmer.

My point is, I got some good ones. The way things go around here, I suspect that we were friends long before we were officially organized into this little family unit. I know that a lot of mothers struggle to feel like they're doing the best they can with and for their kids but the truth is, as frightening as the responsibilities of parenting can be, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about it or kicking myself. That's not because of any tremendous confidence in myself; it because of confidence in my children, in the inherent good in them. I've been here longer and so there's a lot I can offer them because they haven't figured a lot of things out yet, and I try to be consistent and to teach them and hope that they'll forgive the times/areas where I fall short, but at the end of the day I know that they are remarkable souls and that they'll do just fine in the long run. I think of how much my mom means to me and how much she's given me, and its hard to imagine ever being able to bless my children as much as they've blessed me. Even with all the madness and stress that's gone around the last several months, our home has been filled with laughter and play every day. There's been a lot of wrestling and reading with Daddy, and Family Home Evenings where I'm sure Dylan heard nothing but did cover every square inch of our living room with his wiggling, and horsey rides on the carpet and jump ropes flying everywhere. I'm glad that Doug and I found each other and that we were sent these little people that we got, because we're having a whole lot of fun, the six of us.

Catch-22

I've invested a lot of time and energy in trying to teach my children, in both direct and indirect ways, about consequences, planning ahead, keeping a long-term perspective, etc. Understanding those things is no small feat when you're only 5.

In Dylan's classroom, they have a behavior chart that looks like a giant stoplight--red, orange and green. Each child's name is written on a clothespin, and if they behave all day, they stay in green. If they get a warning, their name is moved to orange, and if they further misbehave, they are moved to red and get a time-out. Dylan has been getting in orange here and there the last few months, mostly for things like talking or wiggling about when he's supposed to be sitting down and listening. Since the beginning of April, I've been telling him that if he makes it a whole week staying in green every day, I'd take him to get ice cream. Thus far, he's always fallen short of the goal.

But this week he's done really well, and as of last night had stayed in green every day--only one day to go. Last night, he wouldn't eat his dinner (he doesn't believe in eating anything besides chicken nuggets, pepperoni pizza [and only pepperoni or cheese is ok], granola bars, and then anything consisting almost entirely or refined, bleached flour--added salt a plus) so I told him that Keilana was the only one who was going to get ice cream (Doug had brought some home on an errand run a night or two earlier). He whined at first that he wanted ice cream, but I insisted he had to eat his dinner or he wasn't getting any. Finally, he resolutely pushed his plate away and said, "No, I'm not eating sloppy jos. I'll have ice cream tomorrow after I stay in green."

I didn't know whether to cheer or slap him.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

I'm very lucky. I came from the best. . . .

And I got the best. . . .

I love all the mothers and children in my life.

Hope you all had a good day.

Thanks for all that you do.

Escape

I'd really like a break. I haven't done anything without my kids in two months, and very little without them in the six months before that. Just as importantly, I haven't left Tulare County at all in four months. I'd like to go on a date and get out of here for. . .somewhere. I was telling Doug the other day that all of a sudden I keep thinking of all these places I wanted to go: Monterey, camping, Montana, Sacramento, Disneyland, Cayucos, etc, and I finally realized that it was because I hadn't been farther away than Fresno since October (and not even that far away since January). That doesn't seem like a very long time, and normally it's not, but given the six months I've had, it feels like a long time to be stuck here.

Hopefully now that I've identified what's eating at me, I can adjust my attitude. Because it's likely going to be at least another month before I get out on a date, let alone get out of the area. And with gas at $4.20/gallon, I likely won't be going very far after that! So remember me when you have playdates, or I may just go further into hermit mode and lose my mind entirely ;)

On a positive note, we got our garden put together finally! So hopefully in a month or so we'll be picking our own peppers and tomatoes (and hopefully we'll add more spices to our lonely little basil plant and get some onions and radishes in there, too). So if you've been wondering what to get me for my birthday (and I know you all plan your whole summer around that), potted flowers to color up my patio would be good. I'm sssooo excited to finally have pretty, usuable outdoor space!

Companions

Grandma Barnes (Doug's maternal grandmother) passed away about two weeks ago. Katy asked me to put together a slideshow for the memorial and, of many great images, this one is my favorite:

I love it because it really makes me happy, knowing these two and what a wonderful team they were. And for exactly the same reason, it makes me absolutely heartsick. That's a word I don't use often, but I think it is definitely the most appropriate word here.

Let me back up for a minute. Doug's cousin, Stephanie, was asked to speak from the grandchild's perspective at the memorial, so she asked all her cousins to send her some of their favorite memories of Grandma--and boy were there some great ones! I had a great deal of fun listening to Doug and his sister Jennifer as they compiled their lists of memories. After several of the stories she told, she said, "I guess that story's about Grandpa as much as Grandma." Finally, having the same trouble with his list, Doug replied, "Its so hard to think of a memory of Grandma that isn't about Grandpa. Where Grandma's personality really sparked was in how she interacted with him." I have often referred to them as Abbott and Costello--they are hilarious, and if there's anyone who ever spent time around them and didn't enjoy it, I'd be quite surprised. But if you take away half the team, it just doesn't work. They were entirely devoted to each other and clearly enjoyed one another's company. Its fun to be around people who are always having fun with each other, and they always seemed to be having a great time. There was much talk of Grandma's ability as Hostess Extraordinaire--a well-deserved title--as she kept everyone well fed and watered and comfortable. But even in that, the real magic in her hosting was the entertainment, which nearly always came from her interaction with Grandpa. We've all asked many times over the last few weeks, "What's Grandpa gonna do now?"

They've been married 61 years. They've constantly and consistently been the most important thing in each other's lives since they were both in their early 20s. At that point, do you even know who you are without each other? If you've had a good marriage, which they most certainly have, then you are a huge part of who the other person is by then. And so it shouldn't be all that surprising then that the photograph above evokes in me a very similar feeling as this one:
My cousin snapped this photo of my grandma last fall at the graveside of her companion. She and Clark had only been married 10 years, but he is her eternal companion and I can tell you, seeing the difference in my grandma over the last 10 years, he is a big part of who she is now.

So these images make me heartsick for the loneliness of the spouse left behind to wait for a time. Not that either of these two wonderful people is really alone: they both have large, loving families. But even that wonderful blessing is not a substitute for the daily companionship of your one closest love, around whom you've built your life--and your self.

And I admit that is also makes me sad for very selfish reasons, because I know that the statistical odds make it very likely that one day, years from now (many, many years, I hope), I'll be the one sitting in that chair. And even now, likely decades from that point, I dread that thought. Barely 8 years in to our relationship, I can't even imagine a life without my husband. You know how after you have kids, you only hazily recall what it was you were like, what your life was like, before they existed, because now every thought and decision is so naturally informed (whether consciously or not) by your parenthood? I can't really remember who I was before our relationship. Oh, sure, if I stop to think about it, that's in there somewhere, but I so rarely think of anything in terms of "I" "me" or "mine" anymore--my life is all about "we" "us" and "ours". When I'm upset and need to vent, I turn to him. When I'm excited and want to share it, I turn to him. I casually express thoughts to him I wouldn't dare hint at to others. I so seldom have any need to explain myself. We enjoy each other's company nearly always. I remember laughing one time when one of Grandpa's grandchildren asked him about keeping up a good marriage so long and he replied happily, "Just don't get bored, ever."

I can't imagine being bored with my husband, ever. If we know each other this well now, are such a part of one another after less than ten years, I simply can't fathom how difficult it would be to say good bye after six decades together. Maybe if I'm really obedient and good, the Lord will let us quietly slip away together in our sleep, sometime around 2069. Of course, by then Doug would be 93, so maybe I'm asking too much. . . .

Family Moments

The silver lining in losing a loved one is that is usually means you get to spend some time with a lot of other loved someones. So there are little moments like Mimi and Kylie sharing some cookies after lunch at the country club:

And Christa stealing a laugh with Grandpa after a lot of the crowd had started to clear out:
We got to spend a lot of time with this crew this week. I was born to a wonderful family, people I love, who I would love to be friends with even if I weren't related to them. And then when I got married, I got this wonderful second family. Spending some time with all of them this week reminded me how grateful I am to call them mine. They're pretty cool folk.

Spring

I'm ready for renewal, for sunshine, for bare feet and green grass, for flowers and birds. How about you?

Its been a long, trudging winter. Its been tiring. But the other night when I got myself to bed late and I looked at my sleeping baby and sleeping husband on opposite sides of the bed, it took me a minute to crawl in because I couldn't decide whether to snuggle up to my little girl or my best friend, and I thought to myself, "What a marvelous dilemma." Life is good.