Monday, February 11, 2008

A Window

Its past midnight now, but I'm having trouble getting to sleep tonight.  My mind is racing and I can't get it to slow down.  It doesn't happen very often any more, but it used to happen in high school a lot.

Last week was a hard week.  I found out that what I thought was a moderate but easily fixable problem with a friend is in fact a deep, twisted, tragic problem that my take a long, long time to fix.  That was a big blow.  Then the irritating presidential race got me all bogged down, as its become a mess I find more and more disheartening all the time.  Then one of my oldest friends shared some discouraging news with us and my heart broke her.  It was one of those weeks where I just felt like I kinda wanted to hibernate for a while.

But then several things happened.  The bad news was a blessing in a least one way--it snowballed into a conversation between my four oldest friends and I that has been more complete and open than we have talked with each other in probably years.  That conversation just brightened my life again.  Then today at Church, Carolyn, one of the women I love and respect most in my life, gave a beautiful talk about love.  It was everything I needed to hear and it lifted me up hugely.

Tonight was a great blessing, also.  An old friend from school, someone I'd always wished I'd gotten to know a bit better, popped up on instant messenger.  It was a delight to talk to her.  She said a few things that caught my attention.   "You were so quiet and mysterious in college, with nobody really getting through except Doug."  I was so glad she said that--it reminded me how very, very blessed I am in the primary relationship in my life.  That makes such a huge difference in EVERYTHING.  I'd almost forgotten how much I liked her until we started chatting and it really buoyed my mood to speak with her.  There's a chance we may be able to see her and meet her boyfriend this fall, which I would love.  She lives in Beijing right now, so that makes a meet and greet quite tricky!

And lastly, but certainly not least, when I hopped on to write, my favorite cousin was online.  I haven't talked to him in forever and haven't seen him since his wedding almost a year ago.  We talked about our families and whatnot.  And I thought about what it meant to me to be at his wedding.  Doug knew without me saying it that not making it to his wedding was not option, so he made it work.  I was glad that I was there, as I ended up being the only member of his family in the temple.  When I was getting ready to go to the temple myself for the first time and getting ready to get married, sometimes I would think about the fact that none of my family would be there, and I would start to get really bogged down--I would feel very sad and lonely.  But then I would think of Brandon, out in the mission field--an entire ocean and continent away from home knocking on doors, talking to strangers, living in tiny little apartments--and the loneliness would dissipate.  I would think to myself, Brandon's doing it, and somehow that always made everything ok.  I had to be in the temple that day to say thank you, because in a different way he had been there for me.  He's been such a wonderful friend to me.

Every time I have lacked something in my life, someone has come into to fill the gap.  The Lord has blessed me with such wonderful people in my life always, and all I really needed was a reminder of that.  I feel a bit undeserving of such wonderful friends and such wonderful experiences at times, but I am tremendously grateful for them.  I'm grateful for that window that lets in a little light even on the dark days.


Callie said...

I so enjoyed our random e-mails last week. It was the first time in a long time that I could openly talk about the craziness of pregnancy and not feel crazy. :) Hope you were able to get some sleep.

...Laura... said...

I love your writing. That was a great conversation we had... I wish we could all just hang out for a night and talk like that face to face. I miss you guys!

oh yeah... hun, it's called ambien :) it works wonders to making the brain stop ;p