The damage

Well, my mom should be landing sometime soon (assuming she didn't get stuck in a storm in Denver or something) to help out with the kids.  I go to Kaweah Delta bright and early (in the fog, I'm sure) to be induced tomorrow morning.

So, at 41 weeks and 2 days, here's what we have, belly-wise:

Weight gain: 25 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight (35 pounds gained total)

Clothes: Down to one pair of maternity pants that will actually stay on--everything else slips down and my belly hangs out.  This is the only shirt that's long enough.

Belly damage:  No new stretch marks, though a few old ones have added an inch or two to their length.  A few spider veins on my tummy--never had that before.  

Hopefully I'll have a baby by tomorrow evening.  I know I'll feel worse tomorrow than I do today, but at least then I'll know that I'm starting on the way to better, instead of counting how many more weeks its going to get worse.

I'll post pictures and info as soon as we bring her home from the hospital!  Wish me luck!

What Christmas Means to Me

After I saw Laura's, I had to do it.  Anything Christmas, I'm all in.

1.  Do you like hot chocolate or egg nog?

I love both.  Hot chocolate is darned near an addiction in our house (between the four of us, we go through it ridiculously fast).  This year I discovered the Land O'Lakes Egg Nog, which I must recommend--sssooo creamy.  I love to cut my egg nog with root beer, as well.  Delicious!  But best of all is hot chocolate made from egg nog.

2.  Does Santa wrap presents or just put them under the tree?

Growing up, Santa just put presents under the tree, and I liked that.  Now Santa wraps presents so that snooping little monkeys don't find out what their presents are even if they do find them.  This year he even wrapped the stocking stuffers!

3.  Colored or white lights on the tree/house?

For the tree I like the multi-colored lights.  They aren't quite as bright as the white lights, and I like the softer glow.  On the house I like either white lights or the big chunky old-fashioned colored ones.  Not a big fan of colored minis outside.  With garland, I usually like white lights.  I do like solid colored lights around windows inside, so long as they're coordinated.

4. Traditional Christmas or contemporary/Mod Christmas?

I have to agree with Laura here--Christmas is all about the tradition.  I think the trees decorated all silver and purple are beautiful in the stores, for example, but would hate one in my house.  Red and green and gold, big fir trees, green wreaths and fir and pine garland are what its all about for me.  I absolutely love all the little homemade ornaments on our tree.  No designer Christmases for me, thank you!

5. When do you put up your decorations?

Growing up we always did it on Gwen's birthday--the 10th.  We've been doing it the first weekend of December since we got married, but this year did it Thanksgiving weekend.  I think we'll probably start decorating Thanksgiving weekend from now on (and use the baby's birthday as an excuse to make gingerbread houses on that day every year).

6.  What is your favorite holiday dish?

Well, red Jello with bananas, of course.  :)   How to pick?  I love turkey, I love a good glazed ham, I love pistachio salad.  I miss Grandma's gravy. . .mmmmmmm.   But red Jello with bananas does rank right up there near the top.

7.  What is your favorite holiday memory from your childhood?

Every tree-cutting trip to the Stump Ranch--particularly the years there was enough packed down snow on the road (can you call that a road?) to hookie-bob (is there a "correct" way to spell that?) on the back of the van or truck.  And every evening spent decorating my Grandma's tree and hanging up her elves, setting up her train and drinking hot cocoa with Michael while we watched The Grinch, Charlie Brown and Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas.  Is anything more Christmasy than memories of Grandma's house, really?

8.  Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

Of course!  You've gotta get those new PJs for Christmas.  We always did just that one present on Christmas Eve, and then lined everybody up in front of the tree for pictures.  This year, Keilana has pink Disney Princess flannel PJs, while Dylan will be enjoying his new navy blue Lightening McQueen jammies and Kylie will be wearing. . . .one of her brand new sleepers.  She doesn't get presents this year.  I'm giving her the gift of life and calling it good.

9.  How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

I don't know that there's much method to our madness.  Every year we get a few new ornaments over Thanksgiving vacation for everybody.  Doug always puts on the lights (which he does a fantabulous job at), and then the star.  This year, we let the kids put all the ornaments on so there was just a big clump of ornaments about 2 feet up and that's it (on a 7 1/2 foot tree--we spread them out a bit later).  Doug helped the kids put the candy canes on the tree and they liked getting up on Daddy's shoulders to put the high ones on.

10. Snow! Love it or dread it?  

Love it!  Miss it!  I was always very sad the years that there was no snow on the ground on Christmas.  I loved laying in bed and looking out my window, watching the snowfall under the light on the outside of the garage.  Is there anything more calming that watching snow fall silently under a street light?  I love snow ball fights, snow ball men, snow angels, snow shoeing, etc.  Its just such a wonderful play thing.  And so much better than here, where everything's dead but there's no pretty snow to cover it up--it just looks gloomy and dead.

11. Do you remember your favorite gift?

Not from when I was little, really.  I still remember the year we all got our own box of cold cereal.  Seriously, that was one of the best presents ever (we weren't allowed to eat "sugar cereal" when we were little, so it was a big treat).  But the best one I remember in a while is my senior year of high school, my parents got me a pair of Samsonite suitcases.  My goodness have they served me well in the intervening 7 years!!  And they're still in pretty good shape.  They've been overstuffed, hauled all over the country, loaned out, tossed around and they still get the job done great.

12.  What is the most important thing about the holidays for you?

Family and faith.  Its hard to enjoy Christmas without either one of them.  I miss my family and haven't spent a Christmas with them since my freshmen year of college, which I hope to remedy in the near future.  But the first year we were married, we lived in Hawaii, and obviously couldn't afford to make it to either family for Christmas. I thought I would cry through the holidays, but it was wonderful in its own way.  We lived between BYUH and the temple, so it was hard NOT to remember what Christmas is actually about.  Its probably one of the times in my life I have been most focused on keeping the Spirit of Christ in Christmas.

13. What is your favorite holiday dessert?

I'm going to have to refer back here to the red Jello and bananas and pistachio pudding.  And raise you one box of Grandma's fudge.  Oh, and lemon meringue pie.  I love lemon meringue pie.  Ok, lets face it, if its got sugar in it and we usually eat it at Christmas, chances are pretty good that I love it.

14.  What is your favorite holiday tradition?

When I was little it was the Nativity scene--one of our family traditions was making pieces for a clay nativity scene every year.  We eventually had to stop because our Nativity was getting so huge and for the sake of variety it was starting to have things like John Travolta shepherds, drumming (like at a full set) wise men and snakes.  Lots and lots of snakes.  Now I'm not sure.  We're still working on creating our family traditions.  Ask me again in a few years.

15.  What tops your tree?

A pretty star--looks like your traditional "nativity" star.  We just found it at Lowe's this year.  Doug and Keilana picked it out, and its beautiful!  Hopefully it'll last us a good long time.

16. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?

Giving.  I mean, I like presents (who doesn't?), but especially on a budget, I would much rather be able to spend the money on my kids or friends than on Doug or myself.  Most of the things I want now are practical things anyway.  Doug asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him nursing bras or a rocking chair. I'm not big on "stuff" unless its stuff I actually need, but I love to shop for my kids.   And seriously, who doesn't love an excuse to peruse the toy section?

17.  What is your favorite Christmas song?

Ooooooh. . .tough call.  Its really a toss up between O Holy Night (I love Josh Groban's recording--beautiful!) and the Little Drummer Boy.  Both fantastic songs of worship, though in very different ways.

18.  Candy canes?  

Love the look, not a big fan of the taste of traditional ones.  I'm just not a big peppermint fan in general.  But I love all the other varieties you can get now.  They always make me happy because they remind me of my dad.  When we were little there would always be some random day during the Christmas season when he would come home from a trip to Missoula for some reason or another, and would tell us that while he was in town, he ran into Santa Clause, who of course sent candy canes home with Dad for us.  It always makes me smile.

19.  Do you feel Christmas is too commercialized?

Absolutely!  My kids have sufficient presents, but we don't over do it and stay within our budget because debt and late bills are not what its all about, and neither are the presents.  Every night before bed we read a scripture with our kids about the Savior and on Christmas Eve, we will be reading Luke 2, of course.  Its very important to me that my children understand that the spirit of Christmas is the Spirit of Christ and all those good thing--love, generosity, charity, patience--come from him.  That all that "believe" stuff should be about Christ, not about Santa.

20. What is your favorite Christmas movie?

A Charlie Brown Christmas and Its a Wonderful Life.  Like I said, its all about the traditions (but a few others that top my list:  The Grinch [the original], Elf, A Christmas Story, Frosty the Snowman).

21.  Can you ice skate?

Yes.  I'm no figure skater, but I can stay on my feet anyway.  Its been years since I went though.  Wow.  I don't think I've ice skated since I was 15 or 16.  Too long!

22.  Are all your Christmas presents ready yet?

All the ones for our house are wrapped and ready.  I'm still finishing the presents for the grandparents.  I'm afraid the Montana grandparents and great grandparents are probably going to get their gifts a little late this year!

If you'd like to do it, consider yourself tagged.

Why I love my husband

So Doug and I saw the "John Adams" miniseries that was based on David McCullough's book at Costco awhile ago and picked it up. We have started watching it in chunks.  I think its a little distracting for Doug to watch it with me, because I have been giggling a lot through the whole thing (which is unfortunate, since its really not such a funny story, that whole American Revolution thing).  But finally, after Mr. Adams makes a comment to Thomas Jefferson about himself and I lost it again, Doug said, "Why are you laughing?" and I couldn't help myself as I responded, "Because he's you!"  Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound arrogant--I don't think that Doug is any John Adams.  But if he is portrayed accurately here by Paul Giametti, they've sure got some very, very similar personality traits.  In the scene where Abigail smiles somewhat wryly at her husband and tells him that he's not very good at hiding his impatience with those less intelligent than himself, I reacted the way I imagine teenage boys do to the over the top jokes in Will Ferrell movies.

There's something wonderful my brain does for me when it comes to the people I love the most.  I can see all the wonderful things they are and all the wonderful things they have the potential to be, but--just as importantly--their flaws become somewhat endearing and amusing to me, rather than irritating (and many of my wonderful loved ones have extended this same generosity to me).  Doug isn't always as patient as he ought to be (even with people he does think are as intelligent as himself!:) ), he can be as moody as a menstruating teenager, and he can be a bit lecture-y at times.  But its amazing how much those things don't bother me.  And yesterday was a perfect example of why.

He came home part way through the day to make himself lunch.  I have been helping the kids make very simple Christmas crafts each afternoon after Keilana gets home from preschool.  So he walks in and immediately starts asking her excitedly about where her gingerbread man was.  Then he listened with keen interest and a big smile as she told him all about her gingerbread girl.  He jovially complimented the decorated banister and told her what a good job she did helping me put up the garland, lights and stockings.  He hollered to Dylan (who was, of course, distracted in his own little world with some toy), who responded by smiling very big, scrunching up his nose and running full force to Daddy's legs, which he began to pummel intensely with both fists.  Daddy of course responded by picking him up and tickling him until he couldn't hold onto him anymore.

After work, he came home and Keilana was dancing (if the spastic jumping about she engages in can fairly be called dancing) in the livingroom, giggling and crazy, so he stood back behind her and just watched with a gigantic smile on his face.  Then he did a little booty shaking of his own next to her, making her laugh terrifically, before the dancing scene fell apart (its hard work to dance that hard, after all).

The last few months at work have, for many and varied reasons, been extremely stressful ones for him.  Most evenings when he gets home you'd never know it.  Instead of the kids being one more stressful burden or taxation on his energy, you can see him revitalized as he comes through the door and pours his heart into them, and all three of them light up.  When he has a rough day, it doesn't usually make him more likely to lose his patience with the kids.  It usually makes him more likely to dance with Keilana and wrestle with Dylan and snuggle with them both. 

There is so much to love about him as a husband, independent of our children.  But what woman could possibly avoid falling more deeply in love with her husband upon seeing the joy that he brings her children, and the joy they bring him?  

The kind of father a man is to his children says a lot about the kind of man that he is.  For all his faults, I'm so glad that he is the man I chose to be the father of my children.  Our family is strong relying upon him.

Getting there. . . .

You know its time to have your baby when other people start reacting this way to you.  Yesterday I got:

"You sure you're gonna wait another 5 days?"

"Man!" (as my belly was rubbed)

"You look so exhausted and miserable."

"No offense, but you are looking pretty huge."

I know my belly is big, but I didn't think my discomfort was quite so obvious to everyone else.  Of course, I haven't had many friends or family members around at the end of my last two pregnancies, so it probably seems even more exaggerated to them, but I've never felt quite this uncomfortable before.  Just wait and see--its gonna turn out to be some great Divine joke and my baby will be an 18 inch, 7 pound runt or something.  

However, Saturday we left the kids with Katy for about 2 hours (thanks Mom!) and went to Target and got all our Christmas shopping done.  We also bought the last of the stuff we needed for the baby (hats, some bath supplies, etc), and a few supplies for home.  On the way home, Doug stopped at Lowes and rented a carpet cleaner.  He did the dining room floor (which is much, much better, but still stinks unfortunately--any suggestions for getting out cat urine that actually work?) that evening.  And this morning I did the livingroom.  It still doesn't look like a brand new carpet (2 kids, a dog, a cat, etc, etc.), but it looks so much better.  I finally feel like I've got a clean house again!  My back is crippling me now, but I don't care because I'm so glad its done.  That was the last major "pre-baby" thing on my list.

I'll try to get the banister decorated tomorrow, and finish cleaning up the spare room.  Then I'll wrap some presents on Wednesday, hopefully get them under the tree (should I wait?  Do you think the cat will rip them open?).   Thursday evening Mom will be here and Doug and I will leave at about 6:30 Friday morning for the hospital.  Hopefully, at 10 days over (Keilana was induced 9 days over, Dylan 10) my baby/body will be ready to go and we will have a new baby by evening.  Or at least early Saturday morning.  I am SSSSOOOOO ready.  I'll keep ya'll posted.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. . .

Last night was Lindsay's annual Santa Night.  There was a light parade (Keilana's favorite was the car that had a big bow on top and went up and down--gotta love hydrolics), Christmas tree lighting, and some booths, as well as a visit from Santa.  I was wholly unprepared when Santa came, so I didn't get a shot of him riding in on his motorcycle with his police escort.  It was a long, cold, very fun night.  We were near the very end of the Santa line, and since I am very, very pregnant and had been juggling both the kids all night, I was not very happy about the rude people who kept cutting us.  Fortunately, we've got connections.  As soon as we go to the door (Santa was in the fire garage, so there was still quite a line to see him once you got inside), Rich Wilkinson, the police chief in town, spotted me looking miserably tired with a 2 year old on my shoulders and an over-due belly in front, and promptly sent us right to Santa without having to wait in line anymore.  I was so grateful!! I'd been on my feet most of the day already, and then just spent 2 1/2 hours chasing the kids all over and still had to walk home.  He was my hero last night.  

It was delightfully cold, and by the end of the evening quite foggy, which was nice.  How I've missed being cold!!  Keilana has been too scared to talk to Santa, so I was rather excited when she said she wanted to see him--making progress all the time with my timid little girl:)  Anyway, I didn't get a lot of good shots, but here's a few I liked.  Doug was the parade announcer/evening MC, so he was working but having a good time.

Keilana bundled up keeping warm to watch the parade (this blanket has served us well in the 6 1/2 years we've had it.  Thanks Sisterbella!)
Dylan LOVES microphones, so of course as soon as Doug walked away, he tried to go for it.
Doug working the crowd, asking one adorable little 4-year-old princess (she was wearing a big poofy dress under her blanket) what she wanted for Christmas.
Enjoying the cocoa and cookies.  Actually, it appears Dylan is actually enjoying cocoa and goldfish.  He must've already scarfed the cookie by this point.
Keilana cheeses out in front of City Hall's tree, while Dylan steals ornaments.
No matter the circumstances, she can't ever quite stop being a monkey.
It was a long evening, and everyone was pretty tuckered out by the end of it.  Doug and Mini-Me.

In praise of good care providers. . . .

This morning was my last appointment with my midwife.  I have an induction scheduled at Kaweah Delta one week from today at 7am.  Yay!  I'm only 3 days past my due date and am already so miserably tired of being pregnant.  Everything hurts, and yesterday I started getting the occasional dizzy spell/lightheadedness.  How on earth my mother went at least 2 weeks over with all of us is beyond me--it seems like a terrible punishment to me now.

Anyway, Rita has been awesome.  This has by far been my favorite pregnancy experience as far as my primary provider is concerned.  I loved Dr. Shimizu (my OB with Keilana), and was continually impressed with her good humor amidst an incredible work load.  A lot of OBs and midwives hesitate to leave the state or area because of their patients--she rarely made it to the other side of the island!  But there were precious few ways I could relate to her, we were so different.  I also really liked most of the midwives in the practice I went to in SLO.  But the personalities of the two I saw the most were at two extremes--a likable if somewhat gruff and loud older woman (and by older, I mean relative to the other midwives--she was probably only in her 50s) and a young quasi-granola so-sweet-and-gentle-I-could-scream (on some days I really liked her, and on some days she drove me nuts.  The problem was, until I made it clear that we were in San Luis because my husband was completing a graduate degree, I got a bit of that just-another-stupid-Medicaid patient from them.   Not bad, but I could sense it now and then.

Rita is an intelligent woman, obviously, but never talks to me like I'm not.  Her personality is low-key, never gruff, never over-the-top.  She gave birth to and raised 5 children, so doesn't have some odd preconceived notions of me just because I'm there pregnant with my third and still young.  She is easy-going and calming without being all saccharine.  She does, more than any of my other providers, understand what its like to be in my shoes.  

When I show up to my appointment on time, she gets me in right away, gets things done and usually has me out the door in about 15 minutes--yet I have never once felt rushed.  She just has (unlike most medical offices) a reasonable number of appointments everyday, scheduled at reasonable intervals so that no one has an hour of their time wasted waiting around.  I have only had to disrobe twice--once at my first appointment (because I hadn't had a PAP smear in 2 years, so she did one), and once a few weeks ago for the standard and required strep test.  That's it.  When I would bring one of my kids to an appointment with me, she not only wouldn't seem irritated that they were there, but tried to involve them and keep them interested.

I've been so grateful to have such a great midwife this time around.  It has made what can seem like a very long process a lot more pleasant.  If we decide to stick around this area, I will definitely go back to her for my next baby!

So we put up our Christmas tree on Friday.  Usually we don't get it up until sometime the first week/weekend of December, but we jumped the gun a bit this year.  The tree is all decorated and we've got our wreath on the front door.  I still need to put the lights and garland on the banister and the kids will be doing various crafts the next couple of weeks to supplement our decorations (paper garland, footprint/handprint reindeer, paper bag gingerbread men, etc).  Its so nice to have the glow of Christmas lights in the house.  We've barely opened the blinds or turned on the lights all week (not that it would've made much difference to open the blinds, anyway--its been rainy and overcast everyday).

It was Doug's idea to go get one the day after Thanksgiving--and that fit perfectly with my must-get-things-done-baby-is-coming-impatience.  I've been trying to figure out why I'm so antsy about getting things done this time around, and I kept just blaming it on nesting (which some of it undoubtedly is).  Then it occurred to me that both of the previous times I had babies, I was rushing to get as much done before the baby arrived as possible because 2 weeks after giving birth, we would be rearranging our whole lives again.  I don't have to worry about all the boxes I don't have packed.  I don't have to worry about keeping enough clothing out that we can get dressed everyday while waiting to get our own space again.  This time, I will have a baby, come home to my house and quietly settle in for Christmas--no urgent move hundreds or thousands of miles away hanging over my head.  Everyone will have plenty of space to sleep, in our own beds.  If laundry doesn't get done, its OK, because the rest of our clothes won't be packed away.  We can do normal grocery shopping and eat normal meals, not worry about having perishable food left in the house when its time to leave.  

I've known this all along, of course, and have repeatedly said how nice it will be to have a baby and then not move, but I don't think it really sunk in until today.  If I get tired or worn out or crash, like I did after my difficult first delivery--if for example, my baby won't latch on to nurse, won't sleep, but will scream at me all the time while I'm exhausted and not recovering physically--it won't matter nearly as much, because there are so many more options available for help.  If I get a nasty mastitis infection like I did after my second baby, the fever, severe nausea, chills and exhaustion won't matter so much, because I'll just be able to take my baby up to my own bed with me and relax, instead of being miserably ill trying to sleep on a hide-a-bed mattress on someone else's floor in the middle of all their stuff and activities.  For the first time, after I have my baby I will be home.

Home.  That's something I think about a lot this time of year.  The definition of the word has changed somewhat for me over the years.  It was a very definite, concrete thing for me growing up in my parent's house.  In college, it was memories of warm days tromping up the creek and watching the Hawaii rain wistfully thinking about snow.  Now, more often than not, the word conjures up images of just that: babies--my babies.  My long-haired, scruffy-faced husband and my strawberry blonde tots are home to me.  But that has not erased my longing for the world and people of my childhood, especially this month. 

As we've prepared to welcome our little girl home, I've been so grateful that my mom is able to make it down for the birth again, and that its happening so close to Christmas.  Even though she won't be here for the actual holiday, having her here so soon before will erase some of the horrible homesickness I usually feel this time of year.  A lot of it is swallowed up in the joy of spending Christmas with my kids--for some reason, most adults never let me in on the secret that, as wonderful as it is to be a child at Christmas, it is even better to have small children at Christmas.

I still miss Montana.  I miss snow.  I miss Christmas treeing at the Stump Ranch and Mom's warm cinnamon rolls dipped in a big glass of milk.  I sometimes miss the wonderful evenings in the warm cocoon of my grandma's little trailer--hanging up her little elves and hooking candy canes across the chain in her livingroom--that it still makes me cry now and then.  I miss lining up in our PJs in front of the tree.  I miss the sight of the Missions, blanketed heavily in snow, so majestic and harsh and at once peaceful and reassuring.  I miss Mom's jokes about our turkey and red jello holiday buffet.  I miss buying Hillshire Farms baskets for my dad so that I could eat the content, and stealing the fudge Grandma brought down for him.  I miss Christmas Eve dinners that felt so full, as if half the town must be in our livingroom.

And I'm glad that I do.  Its such a delightful melancholy.  How blessed I am to have people and places in my life so worth missing?  I am only sad because of many memories filled with wonderful happiness and joy.  That's a heartache I'm grateful to know.  Its a heartache that reminds me I am loved, and have many to love--that reminds me of how tremendously blessed my life has been and is.

And this big ol' bump we call Kylie is right now making me terribly uncomfortable and miserable, but reminds me that soon I'll have a precious little baby to snuggle up in the glow of the Christmas lights with.  A baby that will soon turn into a toddler who will throw tantrums and a preschooler who will somedays make me want to tear my hair out.  And I know that each night when I put her to sleep, the only things I'll really remember very well from the day are the things she did that put a smile on my face.  A lot of our discomforts in life are simply there to remind us of our many comforts.  May I be more grateful for them.