Passive and Direct

I tend to be very indirect and diplomatic. Less so in recent years--I have gotten better at confronting things directly with people. Often, however, I have been diplomatic to a fault, holding back things that ought to be said, because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or didn't want them to be mad at me (and those are two different things--we sometimes say that we do or do not do something in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings when what we really mean is that we don't want negative feelings directed at us).

For the most part, that hasn't been too terribly big a hindrance to my relationships, because I am not much of the tendency to store things up and file them away and let them build. I am more often simply passive than I am passive aggressive. My sarcasm is almost always used in good fun, not as a weapon. I am not generally easily angered. However, when I do lash out, I often do so passive aggressively and very viciously. Direct people tend to hate this about me (well, let's face it, anyone who has seen it hates this about me), because they talk to me after I have calmed down and am much more reasonable and say, "Why couldn't you just talk to me, like this? Its much better to be direct", or something along those lines. This always makes me laugh inside a little. Of course its better to have an honest talk once everyone is ready to talk and be honest and humble, but if I speak aloud and directly in the heat of the moment, I assure you it will be no less vicious and pointed. Because my responses are often written down, people who are openly aggressive tend to not realize that their angry, pointed verbal jabs are no less unkind, hurtful and damaging than my written ones. Rage is rage. We all need to control ourselves, whether that means staying our hand, our tongue, or our pen.

The thing I have to realize and try to change about myself is that I am somewhat given to cynicism about most people's intentions in "crucial conversations". I think most people are more given to justification and explication than they are true apology and accountability. I certainly am. I have to watch myself on this point and be sure to truly humble myself so that when I take responsibility for my actions I do so independent of what the other person has said or done and without qualification or caveat. Too often we want to say we're sorry, but explain why what we did was understandable and/or excusable. Its human nature, after all. We're all prone to it. Sometimes I have convinced myself that my motives or actions were somewhat other than they really were, because I didn't feel I could live with the guilt if I faced the reality. There have been times when its taken me months--and in one case years--before I could face that and admit what I'd really done. When I see someone else doing it, I try to remember the times I have needed the patience and mercy myself and just let go and move on, hoping that some day they'll get it.

Unfortunately, I have my own pride. I struggle with my own impatience. And when I feel that my cynicism has been proven justified, I just feel like turning off. Just being done. But in my heart I know that's not really the answer. There are, unfortunately, sometimes people in our lives who become so toxic that we have to remove them from our midst, but generally speaking "turning the other cheek" doesn't mean turning away from someone altogether. It is incumbent upon us to pray fervently and humbly for a soft heart, an honest self-awareness and an increase of love so that we can move forward. A friend was once telling us about a book he was reading called, "How to Hug a Porcupine". He said, "Wouldn't it just make more sense for the other person to stop being a porcupine?" Of course! But the difficult truth is that some time or another, each one of us is that porcupine. How grateful I am for those few, indispensable people who have, at pivotal moments in my life, wrapped their soft arms around my pokey quills. May I have the humility to do the same for others.